According to Hofmann: We can dance if we want to…but please don鈥檛
I always find myself wondering about the origin of things like art, plastic and鈥ell, that鈥檚 about it.
You see, art is a very broad subject. It encompasses many things like literature, paintings, acting, singing, drawing, photography, sculpting, watermelon smashing and, of course, plastic.
One medium of art is dancing, which I find totally fascinating when I think of how it all came about.
I also find dancing mind-bendingly stupid when I鈥檓 in situations that require me to do it.
The most recent was at a wedding where I fulfilled a vow I made to my wife that I will dance a slow dance with her whenever we鈥檙e in the same room where there鈥檚 dancing taking place.
Anyway, as if you couldn鈥檛 tell, I don鈥檛 like to dance and when I say 鈥渄on鈥檛 like to dance鈥�, I mean I hate it with every fiber of my being.
They say you should dance like nobody is watching, but I say dance like everybody is watching and judging you with critical eyes like you鈥檙e on a TV talent show where they can Tonya Harding your kneecaps, and that鈥檚 if you come in second place.
Even if nobody is watching, I don鈥檛 dance, and I鈥檓 not just saying that because I think either the government or aliens (or both) are observing us at all times. I just don鈥檛 dance 鈥� just ask Agent Zorkthm, the extraterrestrial g-man assigned to me, and he鈥檒l confirm that statement.
Anyway, I did a simple internet search, asking 鈥渨hat鈥檚 the purpose of dancing?鈥� and found a few articles that answered many questions, but none to my satisfaction.
One article states that the purpose of dance is to express an idea or emotion, releasing energy or simply taking delight in the movement itself.
Okay. So, answer me this: where does the dance move the Stanky Leg fit into that definition?
One portion of the article that did catch my attention was a section about how not to look awkward while you dance.
The advice it offered was to find your body鈥檚 natural groove because no two people have the exact same bodies, music tastes, dance training, pain tolerance or life experiences.
I鈥檓 a fat, white guy from Southwestern Pennsylvania who listens to a band called 鈥淛. Roddy Walston and The Business.鈥� What鈥檚 my body鈥檚 groove and preferred dance move called, 鈥淐hanging a Tire in a Snowstorm鈥�?
While the articles were thorough and informative, I鈥檓 afraid it was all pro-dance propaganda that didn鈥檛 take the supposed history of dance in consideration.
Perhaps a dance historian would be better suited to talk about the origins of dance. Though, I did once drove by a dance studio and a bookstore on the same street, so I think I鈥檓 qualified enough.
Obviously, you can鈥檛 have dancing without music and since music was invented in 1895, dance was invented in 1892 when Ludwig Van Beethoven was playing the harpsichord at Carnegie Music Hall and a few of the concert goers decided to stand up and shake their tail feathers.
Well, as you can imagine, that didn鈥檛 go over so well as others in the room concluded the contorting concert attendees were witches and warlocks possessed by the devil and were all subsequently burned at the stake that night.
Unfortunately, while the bodies were burning in the town square, Beethoven was playing the saxophone solo to the Billy Joel song 鈥淛ust the Way You Are鈥� and that, along with the glow of the human bonfire, caught all the married couples off guard, and husbands found themselves obligated to invent slow dancing with their wives.
After that, dancing was officially out of control.
Fast forward 20 years when Kevin Bacon, before he became famous, moved to a small midwestern town and discovered that dancing was deemed illegal by actor John Lithgow, who was moonlighting as reverend in that town.
But kudos to Lithgow for being such a stellar figure in history for having the decency to ban dancing; it鈥檚 just a shame they had to burn him at the stake where the dancing continued.
That鈥檚 the thing about history, folks; if you don鈥檛 somewhat study it while watching 80s movies, you鈥檙e doomed to spend a 鈥淲eekend at Bernie鈥檚 2.鈥�
So that鈥檚 the two biggest and bloodiest milestones in the history of dance, and we鈥檝e been suffering from it ever since as it鈥檚 here to stay. I mean, dancing even survived disco鈥isco!
Going forward in a world where dancing, the cockroach of artistic expression, the best I can tell those folks who find dancing visually repulsive like me is, well, at least you have an ally.
With that, I hope you continue to fight the system, sit at weddings with your arms crossed against your chest when they do the Electric Slide and begrudgingly fulfill your spousal obligation to slow dance 鈥� then return to your seat before they trap you with the Chicken Dance.
Trust me, the government and the aliens watching will thank you.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.