According to Hofmann: Social interactions and reactions
I鈥檝e been really wanting to take advantage of purchasing groceries online for pickup and delivery, but that 鈥渇amily鈥� of mine insists that we grocery shop at the store so I can 鈥済et some air,鈥� so I can 鈥渟top practicing to be a hermit鈥� and so I can 鈥渞elearn social interaction.鈥�
The thing about social interaction are the plenty of pitfalls that go with it, like sneezing in your hand before shaking someone鈥檚 hand, someone sneezing in their own hand before shaking your hand and you sneezing in someone鈥檚 hand as they try to block you from hugging them.
Of course, that鈥檚 more a CDC issue to worry about. What I鈥檓 discussing in today鈥檚 column is the social awkwardness you feel when running into someone you know while you鈥檙e shopping in the store.
And it鈥檚 not just anyone. It鈥檚 a person whom you haven鈥檛 seen in so long, the reunion warrants either a hug or a hearty, non-phlegm-coated handshake.
After that, you talk to this person, you catch up on how they鈥檝e been, what they鈥檙e up to now, what鈥檚 new in their world, how their family is doing, if they still recycle, if they鈥檝e given up on life, etc.
The exchange takes roughly five to 15 minutes as the two of you stand in the aisle as irritated shoppers trying to make their way around you. It鈥檚 an ordeal, for sure.
That exchange also happens while you鈥檙e crossing paths with this person because how often are you in the store and you nudge the person you are with and say, 鈥淗ey, doesn鈥檛 the back of that guy鈥檚 head look like the back of Dale鈥檚 head? I鈥檝e seen the back of that head somewhere before! I hope they forget something and have to turn around to get it so I know for sure.鈥�
The problem with your conversation comes soon after, when you have exhausted your initial conversation with the person, but you then cross paths with them in the next aisle.
That鈥檚 the part that makes me uncomfortable as I feel as though I鈥檓 being set up for a whole new greeting or a continuation of the conversation or making up lies about my personal life to make me appear normal, but I have nothing else left to talk about with this person.
The solutions I鈥檝e tried over the years have left me unsatisfied and full of self loathing 鈥� more than normal. That is evident as I walk away, muttering, 鈥渟tupid, stupid, stupid!鈥�
One thing I鈥檝e done is, when passing by, smile and say 鈥渉i鈥� again, and they either nod and say 鈥渉i鈥� back, neither of us knowing why.
Sometimes, I just say the person鈥檚 name, but I say it in a way that the person鈥檚 name is funny or I鈥檓 saying it like there鈥檚 something awesome about the name. Again, I don鈥檛 know why I鈥檝e done that.
Once, such a person was passing me in the breakfast aisle as I was buying a box of Frosted Flakes, and I just held it up and said, 鈥渃ereal,鈥� and the person smiled and nodded as they walked by, like I was a lame exhibit at the zoo.
The other option is walking past them, maybe making eye contact, but saying nothing. That, strangely enough, is the most disturbing to me. The reason is because you and this other person just had this big reunion in the condiment aisle, and then you walk past them in the frozen food section like you鈥檙e total strangers.
Now, I鈥檓 sure mostly everyone has experienced this phenomenon, which I鈥檓 naming The Law of Diminishing Conversation, but I don鈥檛 know if anyone feels the same way I do about it, which I鈥檓 naming The Law of I Hope I鈥檓 Not the Only Crazy One Here.
What can I say? I鈥檓 not good at naming sociological laws or knowing basic sociology, for that matter, but I鈥檓 good with coming up with solutions to such issues.
When running into a long-time-no-see person, you have to be aware of your surroundings, meaning what aisle you happen to be in will determine when you temporarily cut ties with that person.
If you are in the back of the store, making your way to the front, and they鈥檙e doing the same, you meet, greet, hug/handshake/make out a little and then you say, 鈥淐atch you in the next aisle鈥� or 鈥淭o be continued by the pasta section.鈥�
You then continue shopping until you run into them again and say, 鈥淪o, how鈥檚 your mom and them doing?鈥�
After that exchange, you repeat the process, running into them in the next aisle and saying, 鈥淒id I mention I still have that goiter?鈥�
It鈥檚 a wonderful system because every time you see them, you have something new to talk about, you鈥檙e not holding up any other shoppers and you have time to think about the next subject so you two aren鈥檛 standing there, staring at each other with dumb smiles on your faces, waiting for the other person to speak, which I named The Law of Verbal Chicken.
Keep in mind, you have to make adjustments when you鈥檙e either halfway through your shopping or nearly done with your shopping, but that鈥檚 up to you to gauge and execute.
With that said, I have high hopes that this column will help spread the word, as this is a trend that needs to be universally known 鈥� much like accepting a hug from an old friend instead of what germs their suspiciously wet hand may contain.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.