According to Hofmann: Trick or defeat
I was recently going through some old childhood photos, trying to pinpoint the exact date where everything started to go wrong. Right now, I鈥檓 thinking it can be either 1998 or 1999, so I can stop blaming Y2K now.
Anyway, I came across a photo of me for Halloween as a vampire on a bright, sunny October day.
All I can think of was, first, crossing 1987 off my timeline of woe because I still had a sparkle and hope in my eyes.
Second, I kept thinking of how dumb of a kid I was, because, as I should have known, the sun pretty much vaporizes vampires.
Kids like to pretend and enter a world of make believe, and while I was out seeking candy and didn鈥檛 turn into dust from the sunshine, I most likely thought I was a vampire 鈥� mainly because I had fangs even though they were plastic.
Anyway, with Halloween here and trick-or-treaters running around, I thought I should save some future old person the pain of looking upon old, dusty, digital photos and realize their costumes were highly inaccurate.
Just consider this my community service because my back hurts from picking up trash along the highway.
Since I already started talking about vampires, let鈥檚 continue with those suckers, shall we?
Some places let you trick-or-treat at night and it鈥檚 very rare that someone gives out garlic unless they鈥檙e actual vampire hunters trying to weed out any neighborhood Nosferatus.
However, a gray area exists when it comes to vampires needing to be invited into a house before they can enter. It鈥檚 always baffled me that good etiquette superseded a vampire鈥檚 bloodlust.
With a trick-or-treat scenario, a porch isn鈥檛 the interior of a dwelling, but who鈥檚 to say where a house really starts? That鈥檚 why kid vampires have to ask permission to step up on a porch if they want to stay legit.
It just goes to show that while vampires have awesome powers like immortality, transformation to a bat, hypnosis, real fangs and can sleep all day, their weaknesses are, well, weak.
But they鈥檙e not alone.
Everyone wants to be a superhero for Halloween, but think about their Achilles鈥� heel like Achilles and his heel.
There鈥檚 the tried-and-true Superman whose weakness is Kryptonite, so any green, crystal-like candy is not on the menu for those little men of steel.
Another superhero with a dumb weakness is Green Lantern, who鈥檚 weakness is the color yellow. Yup. Yellow. Fortunately, Lemonhead candy, Lemon Drops, the occasional banana taffy and Hostess Twinkies may be the only things the Green Lanterns have to worry about while canvassing the neighborhood.
But I know what you鈥檙e thinking because I鈥檓 dressing up as The Amazing Kreskin this year.
You鈥檙e thinking why am I wasting my time going over vampires and comic-book characters that are no longer that relevant in 2021, and I should search for what the most popular Halloween costumes are this year and go over the things that can take them down.
Aren鈥檛 you glad I thought about that and included this list from Google Trends with my contribution of their weaknesses?
1. Witch: Water鈥r a group of Massachusetts Puritans.
2. Rabbit: My lawnmower.
3. Dinosaur: An asteroid.
4. Spider-Man: An asteroid.
5. Cruella de Vil: A crappy prequel that nobody asked for.
6. Fairy: A fly swatter鈥nd an asteroid.
7. Harley Quinn: The Joker.
8. Cowboy: Oddly enough being called 鈥渂uckaroos.鈥�
9. Clown: No weakness鈥搉ot even asteroids. They鈥檙e pure evil. Let鈥檚 move on.
10. Chucky: Burned, shot, cut in half, melted, head pumped with air until it explodes, sliced by a giant fan, stomped in the head, and he keeps coming back for more in the sequel.
With that, I hope this week鈥檚 column helps all the trick-or-treaters out there and their alter egos survive this Halloween.
If that doesn鈥檛 happen, just do what I鈥檝e done and put the blame on Y2K.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.