According to Hofmann: Death by hotdog
Now that we鈥檙e reaching the end of our summer of discontent, it鈥檚 time to hear that many of us have been killing ourselves 36 minutes at a time.
A recently published study from the University of Michigan found that eating one hot dog can take 36 minutes off your life.
Isn鈥檛 it great that we, after a whole summer of eating hot dogs at ballparks, Fourth of July picnics and graduation parties, are receiving this information now?
It kind of puts a damper on this weekend鈥檚 Labor Day picnic, doesn鈥檛 it?
There鈥檚 nothing quite like preparing and serving hot dogs, corn dogs, cocktail weenies and kielbasa to your friends, family and neighbors and feeling like a serial killer for doing so.
Also, consider the perspective of the victims. Imagine being on your deathbed, and you sense the cold, icy hand of the grim reaper reaching out for you. One of your children by your side begs for you to stay with them for at least another, say, 36 minutes.
鈥淪orry, I can鈥檛 stay because now is my time 鈥� and I ate this chili-cheese dog with Fritos on it back in 2017, and it was so worth it,鈥� you say. 鈥淕oodbye.鈥�
Now, whenever I hear about hot dogs, I think of one name, Oscar Mayer, and why that man and his descendants need to pay for what they鈥檝e made us voluntarily do to ourselves over the years. We have to capture them before they escape in that Wienermobile!
Nah, I鈥檓 just kidding.
The name I think of is Joey Chestnut, a competitive eater and 14-time champion of the Nathan鈥檚 Hot Dog Eating Contest.
A quick search of Mr. Chestnut鈥檚 accomplishments show that he鈥檚 eaten a total of 1,010 hot dogs during the competitions he鈥檚 won in his stellar career. Keep that in mind because I鈥檓 not counting hot dogs consumed on the times when he lost competitions, how many he had to eat to qualify for them or the number of hot dogs he ate when he practiced.
Since the total number of hot dogs the man has eaten is unknown, we鈥檒l just go by the number 1,010. Now, if you multiply that by 36 minutes, you end up with 3,670 minutes, which equals 61 hours, which equals about two and a half days taken off of Mr. Chestnut鈥檚 life.
(Also, when I write 鈥淢r. Chestnut,鈥� I feel like I鈥檓 referring to a cousin of Mr. Peanut 鈥� just a strange observation. Now back to the column.)
And because I love math so much when it鈥檚 directed toward childish stupidity: Joey Chestnut is 37 years old and the average lifespan of an American male is 78 years old. When I calculate and estimate and guesstimate the total number of hot dogs he has eaten beyond the eating contest, Chestnut probably should鈥檝e died about four years ago.
Maybe he keeps winning because he鈥檚 a zombie and thinks he鈥檚 eating brains.
Hot dog lovers shouldn鈥檛 worry too much, though. The study also noted there was a way to reverse the damage hot dogs do.
The study cited a prior study known as the Global Burden of Disease. (I know that sounds like the next Stephen King book, but it鈥檚 not; it measures death rates based on food choices to create an index that determines how certain foods add or subtract minutes of life.)
So, lick your lips and rub your tummies because here are the magic foods that add minutes to your life: fruits, vegetables, legumes and nuts.
I know what you鈥檙e thinking, that you don鈥檛 know what a legume is. Frankly, neither do I, but I have a feeling you can鈥檛 put whipped cream on them. If I research what they are, I鈥檒l probably be thinking, 鈥淎nd people actually eat those?鈥� followed by, 鈥淐an they at least be deep fried?鈥�
But, hey, good news is good news, especially for Joey Chestnut and other competitive eaters who want to reverse their dire fates. They only need to participate in walnut, carrot and apple pie eating contests.
For the rest of us, well, over this three-day weekend when we gather to say goodbye to summer, we can still enjoy our hot dogs with generous toppings of legumes and Fritos.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.