According to Hofmann: The stupidest thing I ever heard
I often hear the phrase, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 the stupidest thing I ever heard.鈥�
That鈥檚 mostly from my wife when I tell her what my upcoming column is going to be.
However, after hearing that phrase from her at least 52 weeks out of the year, it kind of loses its luster. The stupidest thing one would ever hear should not be thrown around like the other sayings like 鈥淚 love you鈥� or 鈥淚鈥檒l never forget this moment鈥� or 鈥淲e the jury find鈥︹�� because after you truly hear the stupidest thing you ever heard, two things happen.
First, you never, ever forget the stupidest thing you ever heard. I鈥檝e forgotten my own birthday on occasion, but the stupidest thing I ever heard has always stayed with me.
Second, after you hear the stupidest thing you ever heard, you look for something to top it. You either do that consciously or subconsciously, which I鈥檝e literally done for decades.
Now, before I reveal the stupidest thing I ever heard, I won鈥檛 disclose from whom I heard it as the person is still alive and hadn鈥檛 died from their own stupidity like I wagered they would.
All I can tell you is the person was not a child when they said it, nor were they under the influence of alcohol or any legal or illegal drugs, and they said what they said with absolute seriousness.
Okay, I built this thing up enough. The stupidest thing I鈥檝e ever heard was:
鈥淚 believe, if you think about it hard enough, you can fly.鈥�
Anyone who鈥檚 a regular reader of this column may find that phrase familiar. I mentioned it in a column about someone spending over $250 for blue jeans that were designed to look muddy, and here鈥檚 the quote from that column:
鈥淎side from it being the stupidest thing I ever heard, not counting when someone once told me they believe if they really think hard enough, they can fly鈥︹��
Even the jeans didn鈥檛 out-stupid the stupidest thing I ever heard, and when I wrote that line four years ago, I mentioned it as a goalpost in terms of stupid things I鈥檝e heard.
To go over how stupid the stupidest thing I ever heard is, I鈥檒l break it down by examining it phrase by phrase.
First, there鈥檚 鈥淚 believe,鈥� which means what鈥檚 about to follow is a conviction of faith from the speaker 鈥� much like one believes in a higher power, a lower power or solar power.
Then we have 鈥渋f you think about it hard enough.鈥�
Thinking hard; that鈥檚 something of which the author of the statement has never been accused.
Also, thinking hard is one thing, but thinking 鈥渉ard enough鈥� takes it to another level.
I鈥檝e always had a problem with doing something to the point of 鈥渆nough鈥� because it鈥檚 a goal without a metric, much like a rebel without a cause or an Abbott without a Costello.
For example, if someone gives me a riddle to solve, and I can鈥檛 do it and give up, they tell me I鈥檓 not thinking hard enough.
鈥淗ow hard is hard enough?鈥� I鈥檇 say.
鈥淯ntil your eyes twitch and ears start bleeding,鈥� they鈥檇 say.
Then I would feel confident of what I need to do to solve the riddle.
On the other hand, if I ask how hard is enough in the same scenario, and what鈥檚 enough is completely unknown, what can they say?
鈥淵ou鈥檒l know it鈥檚 not enough when you don鈥檛 have the answer, it鈥檚 enough when you have the answer and it鈥檚 more than enough when you die.鈥�
So, yeah, enough ain鈥檛 really enough, especially when I bring up the last and key phrase of the comment, and that鈥檚, 鈥測ou can fly.鈥�
I鈥檇 like to offer some context, but I don鈥檛 recall what in the conversation sparked the stupidest thing I ever heard.
I can, however, tell you the statement wasn鈥檛 made regarding purchasing an airplane ticket and boarding a commercial flight or studying to be a pilot to legally operate an aircraft.
The statement meant that a human being could levitate without the aid of wires, magnets, wind, jet pack or David Copperfield, and then rely on self-propulsion to travel by air from one location to the other.
They say when you experience trauma, your brain manages to block out everything that happened; I think something similar happened in this case because I honestly can鈥檛 remember how I responded to the stupidest thing I ever heard. I must have handled it well because I鈥檓 pretty sure a debate didn鈥檛 follow, and I know the subject was never brought up again.
Now, I have to say, something else happened to me after the stupidest thing I ever heard.
To this day, every now and then, I look up to the sky, into the clouds and the unexplored infinite possibilities that exist beyond this planet, and I think 鈥� nay, I believe 鈥� that even the stupidest thing could very well be true.
Nah, just kidding. I just get a good chuckle out of it every now and then.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com