According to Hofmann: Cleanliness next to common-senselessness
Now that we鈥檙e in the age of COVID 鈥� the terrible twos, as a matter of fact 鈥� we as a society have never been cleaner 鈥� or at least aimed higher to be cleaner.
You鈥檇 think the germs would just give up and die with the almost maniacal use of sanitizer, sanitizing bleach wipes, disinfectants, UV light, rubbing alcohol, antibacterial soap and bellowing threats from a Marine Corps drill instructor.
I think it will get to the point where Pigpen from the 鈥淧eanuts鈥� cartoon strip will either be canceled or hosed down and deloused by the Centers for Disease Control, and his hippy parents taken into custody for endangering the welfare of a child.
While I hate to give anyone any more ideas about safety measures to follow, something that I鈥檇 noticed even before COVID-19 was the idiotic way we wash our hands after going to the bathroom.
The whole idea is really pointless when you think about it or, in my case, when you overthink about it.
Let鈥檚 go through this process, shall we?
You walk into the restroom by pushing open a door and then you have to push open a secondary door if you need to go into a toilet. (I want to be as universal as possible, so we鈥檙e going to avoid the urinals and concentrate on the commodes.)
Oh, I鈥檓 also just making this about public restrooms because when you鈥檙e on your home turf, anything goes, right? Um鈥ight?
Anyway, after you鈥檝e finished your business, you might have something 鈥渄irty鈥� on you that needs to be addressed.
Even if you are pristine in cleaning up, you still have the possibility that someone else put their 鈥渄irty鈥� on the stall wall informing you to call a phone number for a good time; if that phone number happens to be yours, then you have problems that this column cannot fix.
Okay, so there鈥檚 鈥渄irty鈥� on you. You still have to open the stall door to get to the sink to wash your hands, and that鈥檚 done by using your hands to unlock and push open a stall door, turn a knob at the sink, press a liquid-soap dispenser and wash while singing 鈥淗appy Birthday鈥� twice because, if you鈥檙e going to embarrass yourself, you might as well do it in a public restroom.
Now that your hands are washed and rinsed, you have to turn off the faucet 鈥� the same faucet you turned on with your 鈥渄irty鈥� hands.
Your now 鈥渞e-dirtied鈥� hands before you defile the paper-towel dispenser, the hand dryer and the door handle when you exit the restroom.
So, basically, washing your hands was a complete waste of time.
I know what you鈥檙e saying now: 鈥淏ut, Mark, public restrooms have motion-sensors for the sink, the soap and the paper towels and hand dryers, you stupid idiot.鈥�
That is true, but you鈥檙e forgetting two things.
First, not every place has those automatic features. While the hand dryer may be activated by motion or by screaming 鈥淥bey me and work!,鈥� the sink and the soap dispenser may need to be manually and physically touched to function. So, basically, you鈥檙e drying your own 鈥渄irty鈥� on your skin in that scenario.
The other thing to remember, even in the paradise known as the touchless restroom like you鈥檙e on 鈥淭he Jetsons,鈥� there鈥檚 always going to be someone who doesn鈥檛 clean the 鈥渄irty鈥� from them and can most likely find a way to get it on something you will eventually touch.
If you鈥檙e wondering if there鈥檚 any hope, I鈥檓 telling you there isn鈥檛, but that鈥檚 just my general outlook on life. When it comes to the 鈥渄irty鈥� public restroom scenario, I have a solution.
Let鈥檚 go back to the scenario that was laid out earlier. You exit the stall and approach the sink. Before you do anything, dispense a lot of soap and get a good lather going and use it to cake every surface that you will use 鈥� make it look like the top of the building at the end of 鈥淕hostbusters鈥� when the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man exploded.
Then you have to rinse the soap, which is an easy task if there鈥檚 a paper-towel dispenser; if there aren鈥檛 any paper towels, you could use toilet paper, but you would require extra soap lathering. If you avoid using paper products at all, turn on the sink, cup your hands under to fill them with water. You then have to walk around and throw water at the soap like you鈥檙e trying to put out a fire.
Two hours after that, you can wash your hands with pride, knowing you achieved the status of cleaner than clean.
Or you can go the other route and avoid touching anything in the restroom before and after you do your business.
I really can鈥檛 go into the gory details, but trust me when I tell you that any gender can do it. I used to clean gas-station restrooms; I鈥檝e seen things 鈥� maybe everything.
Either way, you will free yourself of anything 鈥渄irty鈥濃�� except for your mind, which is what you get for calling those phone numbers on bathroom stalls.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.