According to Hofmann: The not-so-secret handshakes of our appliances
For the briefest moment in my life in my early 20s, I felt like a genius.
A total genius, really, in terms of being a computer hacker, having inside know-how knowledge and being an auto mechanic all in one simple lesson.
You see, I went to my mechanic uncle with a car problem (because if you have a family member who makes their living using a special set of skills, they鈥檙e the ones who are bombarded with questions and requests like mechanics, plumbers, doctors, lawyers and sheepherders).
While I was telling my uncle about the issue, I could see his expression starting to wane to boredom.
I think it was because I described the complex mechanical issue like this: 鈥淪o, the car started going 鈥榬hud-rhud-rhud.鈥� Then I pressed on the gas pedal, and it went 鈥榬uv-ruv-ruv-ruv,鈥� but then when I hit the brakes, the car went 鈥榟ubbbble-rubble-wabble鈥� and a light went on and I heard 鈥榙ing-ding-ding.鈥� I think it might be the engine.鈥�
My uncle instructed me to sit in my car and turn my key in the ignition three times without starting the engine.
A few seconds later, a series of numbers appeared on my odometer that my uncle had me write down. He had these thick vehicle-diagnostic books in his garage that he cross referenced and found out what was wrong with my car.
(For the record, I was correct in my deduction that the issue was the engine, but would have likely needed to be more specific when heading to the auto-parts store to request a replacement part.)
No matter. I now knew something that many people had no idea about. Of course, many people wouldn鈥檛 care to know about how to execute DIY vehicle diagnostics, but I thought it was cool.
Over the years, technology has grown. Now, our vehicles let us know everything that鈥檚 wrong with them like they had some kind of breakthrough in therapy.
I swear, I think my car鈥檚 display once indicated that it feels like it鈥檚 going to have a 鈥渞hud-rhud-rhud鈥� day. It was then I knew that little nugget of genius that I had received from my uncle was pretty much worthless.
Years and years later 鈥� last year, in fact 鈥� we bought a new washer and dryer, and after I hooked everything up, I went to open it and found the lid was sealed shut. I looked around for clear tape that I may have missed around the lid or maybe I was sitting on the lid when I was trying to open it, but neither of those things caused the problem.
Since I鈥檓 a man and don鈥檛 believe in reading the owner鈥檚 manual and because I was sitting on the owner鈥檚 manual, I decided to research the issue on the internet.
After being distracted for 20 minutes by videos of Christopher Walken cooking chicken, I found a video on how to solve the issue.
It seems that the lid has some kind of electromagnetic lock like the vault in the movie 鈥淒ie Hard.鈥� And, much like Hans Gruber figured out in 鈥淒ie Hard,鈥� I broke into the washing machine by cutting the power 鈥� a.k.a. unplugging the washing machine, waiting five minutes and plugging it back in.
The tip worked like a charm, and I felt that little twinge of genius that I once felt years ago, but it was fleeting because the internet has made it so those little-known tricks are now very well-known.
So well-known, in fact, I swear my search engine knows what鈥檚 broken in my house before I can type it in.
One time, a search for me started with, 鈥淗ow do I fix鈥�.鈥� and the internet suggested, 鈥溾� running toilet,鈥� 鈥溾� damaged window seal,鈥� 鈥溾� speeding ticket,鈥� 鈥溾� dog in heat,鈥� 鈥溾�he radiation level of a microwave鈥� and 鈥溾� broken heart.鈥�
Scary thing was I was researching all of those. That was a wild weekend.
I think what I鈥檓 trying to convey is more of an unexplainable concept about the state of the human condition: we always try to reach the unreachable, explore the unknown and save a few bucks by not having to hire a professional.
My only hope is that this always-evolving technology will be kind to us along the way. I feel very somewhat positive that it will be.
Imagine, if you will, someday your at-home teleportation device malfunctions, but you need to get across the county in five minutes for a meeting and preferably doing so without the malfunctioning machine grafting your arm out of your forehead along the way.
Then, kind of like now, you get the attention of your home鈥檚 virtual assistant for help and present to it your problem.
鈥淚t鈥檚 making a 鈥榟ubbbble-rubble-wabble鈥� sound.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.