According to Hofmann: Losing is starting to make a lotto sense
Unfortunately, I鈥檝e reached the age where I realize I鈥檓 not going to win any kind of multimillion-dollar or billion-dollar lottery. I think all of you know exactly what I鈥檓 talking about.
It鈥檚 a crushing thing, especially when I once felt so positive and optimistic every time I bought a ticket, because I believed it鈥檚 truly the key to unlock my dreams of quitting my job, buying a few dozen cars and hiring shady people to dig up skeletons of my favorite movie stars and position them in one of my mansions to make it look like they鈥檙e playing poker with me.
I always feel so positive about any lottery ticket being The One that I even do quirky things to make sure I鈥檒l have an entertaining story to share when I鈥檓 interviewed after I announce that I鈥檝e won.
鈥淵eah, so I bought the lottery ticket and, for some reason, it wound up getting stuck under my windshield wiper, and I didn鈥檛 realize it until I made it home. That鈥檚 when I knew it was a lucky ticket. Oh, by the way, is Jack Nicholson dead yet? No? Just asking for a friend who likes to play poker with celebrity skeletons.鈥�
I鈥檇 tell you about the crushing blow that comes from not only missing out on the BIG PRIZE, but not even matching one number; however, most people also know that pain, that sting of knowing that three or four dollars of your hard-earned investment for a fantastic life have been flushed away.
It鈥檚 worse when you see some jackass in Sheboygan, Wis., winning your prize, taking away your dream and having the nerve to say he doesn鈥檛 want to quit his job and will donate most of the winnings to charity.
I mean, some people are just idiotically insane.
Meanwhile, you鈥檙e left with something of a feeling of defeat and loathing that I call a loser鈥檚 hangover as you go back to work, back to having to fill out a high-interest loan for house projects and repair and back to turning tricks to pay the gas and electric bill. Of course, I鈥檓 kidding. I never applied for a high-interest loan in my life.
This most recent loser hangover not only caused me to realize that I鈥檒l never, ever, never in an ever win, but has also led me to seek out something to help me cope at this moment.
So, just like seeking a medical diagnosis and pirated movies 鈥� some of which are even on the same website 鈥� it鈥檚 the internet to the rescue!
What I found were multiple websites that list the horror stories people experienced after winning the lottery.
Yes, it seems that nightmares 鈥� not dreams 鈥� come true when someone wins an obscene amount of money with many of the stories leading to bankruptcies in the millions and even a few leading to murder.
It鈥檚 like money causes people to do crazy things. Who would鈥檝e thunk it?
For example, a Pennsylvania man won $16 million and then an ex-girlfriend sued him for a share of the prize and won, his brother hired a hitman so he could inherit some of the cash and while other relatives were not as extreme, they kept bothering the guy for money. A month following his win, he was $1 million in debt.
A California woman won $1.3 million and immediately filed for divorce from her husband, but he then discovered she never disclosed her winnings to him and sued her and won.
Now, I don鈥檛 want it to be misunderstood that I鈥檓 using these stories as fuel for schadenfreude, which sounds like a European economy vehicle, because I鈥檓 not.
Schadenfreude is the pleasure one gets out of the misfortune of others and while the events that unfolded to those listed and others after winning the lottery is certainly unfortunate, I use it more of a way to deal with losing so I don鈥檛 feel as bad.
So, yeah, you wasted a few bucks on a losing ticket, and your dreams of starting an escort service/pet grooming business have been dashed, but at least you鈥檙e not wealthy enough to have your own family hire hitmen to take you out, so there鈥檚 a silver lining for you.
And for those poor fools who still cling to that fleeting hope of winning huge, I also found advice in the 1 in a 790,000,000,000,000,000,000 chance of winning that could help prevent some of that cursed luck from happening.
First, contact a tax professional and investment/wealth adviser that have solid reputations, which means they鈥檙e not located in the same plaza as the escort service/dog groomers that you frequent.
You see, they鈥檙e the ones who would advise against purchasing a $30 million home after winning a $5 million jackpot.
The other piece of advice may be rough if you have a good heart, but a wise move is to not tell your family or anybody about your winnings because, in terms of wealth, both families and people suck.
Of course, if you keep the news of winning on the down-low, you鈥檙e kind of banking on them having what I call Superman Stupidity; it鈥檚 the special kind of stupidity people have in the Superman universe where nobody can figure out that Clark Kent is Superman.
鈥淗ey, cousin Joel, don鈥檛 you think it鈥檚 weird you quit your crap-shoveling job at the zoo shortly after they announced someone from our town won that $90 million jackpot, and you spend all your time now driving around in your new hybrid Ferrari-yacht yelling, 鈥業鈥檓 rich! I鈥檓 rich!鈥�? I鈥檓 just saying because you鈥檙e acting strange, and if you need to borrow some money, let me know.鈥�
Basically you need to fake your own death if you win or everyone will be out to get a piece of you.
Maybe celebrities don鈥檛 actually die when it鈥檚 reported. Maybe they just need to get away from the vultures, which is probably why I鈥檓 having such a hard time finding skeletons of the Rat Pack.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.