According to Hofmann: Merry Branded Christmas
Let鈥檚 face it, things are going amok.
Now, you can fill in your own opinions relating to that statement 鈥� citing everything from the state of affairs of the nation and the world, technology advancing beyond our grasp or the fragility of the human condition.
I, on the other hand, am not as superficial. I see this state of dread as the evolution (or de-evolution) of gifts for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Thursday.
I came to notice that trend while I was stuck at a store for three hours while getting tires put on my wife鈥檚 car because my theory of totally flat tires being the perfect snow tires came with some major flaws and costly consequences.
Anyway, I had time to look around and made my way to the holiday section of the store because I found out you can only walk up and down the store鈥檚 bra aisle so many times and tell people you鈥檙e just browsing the displays before employees start to get nervous and call store security.
The gift section in question has those gifts that come in sets and variety packs from coffee and hot chocolate to hot sauces and brownies.
I call it the Gift Fodder section, and those gifts are normally for teachers, bus drivers, secretaries, coworkers/employees, clients, parole officers, etc. Not to say you can鈥檛 wrap up and present gift fodder to friends and family because a Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer ear-wax-removal kit always catches my eye.
Anyway, what really caught my eye recently was how gifts, especially the gift fodder, has been cranked up a notch.
For example, I saw a candy cane kit and, keep in mind, it wasn鈥檛 enough to have a dizzying variety of flavors from eggnog to corn dog. One company decided to include a vial of liquid flavoring for each candy cane for dipping like it鈥檚 a 鈥淏reaking Bad鈥� Christmas or something.
Also different were the themes of TV and movies invading traditional staples of the gift fodder like the cookie gift sets that come with a small cast-iron pan, but the pans are shaped like heads of Darth Vader, Storm Troopers and the Mandalorian.
Like, c鈥檓on guys, we鈥檝e worked so hard to get away from 鈥淭he Star Wars Holiday Special鈥� for years, and now you鈥檙e poking the bear 鈥� or Wookie, in this case.
Speaking of space bears, I went to the gingerbread-house section near the gift fodder only to find that the simple one-story structure model is no longer popular. Instead, there are houses themed like 鈥淗arry Potter,鈥� 鈥淪uper Mario Bros.,鈥� 鈥淧aw Patrol,鈥� 鈥淭he Office,鈥� 鈥淔riends,鈥� 鈥淭ed Lasso鈥� and 鈥淭he Sopranos.鈥�
Okay, I made up that last one, but nothing would surprise me at this point.
A 鈥淭ed Lasso鈥� gingerbread house? Nothing against that show, but it鈥檚 only been around for two years. How much gingerbread-house appreciation does one have for an intellectual property that鈥檚 only 2 years old?
Now, when I see changes like those, I start thinking about the evolution of such things, in what stage does it currently find itself, and where could it go from this point.
Sure, I know that companies branding their characters on seasonal products is nothing new, but that鈥檚 just what it used to be: branding. They鈥檇 slap a logo or a drawing or a photo on something and jack up the price the old-fashioned way.
Now we鈥檙e at the stage where the product itself has to be changed to meet the theme rather than the other way around.
And, unfortunately, I really don鈥檛 know how far this is going to go. It seems like the sky鈥檚 the limit of what can be done next. The sad thing is, it鈥檚 not even based on creativity, but a Frankienstienian-style of thinking of, 鈥淟et鈥檚 mix Christmas stockings with 鈥楪ame of Thrones鈥� and see what happens 鈥� better start printing out the warning labels now.鈥�
Ugh! We should go back to giving frankincense and myrrh as gifts, but not gold because we have tight budgets to consider.
If you think I鈥檓 out of line, you may be right. Keep in mind, I鈥檓 knee-jerk reacting to only a glimpse, and I should be fair and take a more in-depth look at this phenomenon.
I鈥檒l start in the bra aisle, and I鈥檒l have a better answer for you by 鈥� maybe next Christmas.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.