According to Hofmann: Hacking up your food
During one of my regular trips to a certain fast food drive-thru to engage in death by super sizing, something caught my eye: they鈥檙e allowing customers to hack their menu.
I wasn鈥檛 surprised by the concept 鈥� it鈥檚 been around for years. I used to request special combinations at my local ice cream shop, which, at the time, was frowned upon.
鈥淚鈥檇 like a cheesecake-cookie dough ice cream, please,鈥� I鈥檇 say.
鈥淪ir, we ask that you not play God in this establishment,鈥� was the normal response, followed by, 鈥淥kay, okay! We鈥檒l do it! Please stop crying!鈥�
Still, I was surprised that the fast food restaurant 1.) promoted menu hacking and 2.) found some of the suggestions disgusting.
Don鈥檛 get me wrong, some hacks, like putting a hash brown inside a breakfast sandwich, sounded pretty tasty.
On the other hand, they also offer a Frankenstienian creation combining a beef sandwich, a chicken sandwich and a fish sandwich together into one.
The idea is to bring together animals that can occupy land, sea and air, but it sounds like something a pregnant woman with midnight cravings would come up with.
Now, people who know me may be shocked to read that the idea of such a thing is a turn-off to me and, to be quite honest, I was a bit surprised to find myself repulsed by it as well.
I mean, I鈥檝e been a staunch advocate of the turducken for years.
If you don鈥檛 know what a turducken is, you probably eat and love bean sprouts and kale, but I鈥檓 here to corrupt you.
A turducken is a turkey that is stuffed with a duck that has been stuffed with a chicken, baked and served at an insane asylum鈥檚 Thanksgiving dinner.
I always wanted to try a turducken, but the price tag for such a beast that doesn鈥檛 exist in nature is too rich for my cholesterol-tainted blood.
I know what you鈥檙e thinking because I鈥檓 about to write it: 鈥淢ark, you grand titan of terrible food, how can you be for a turducken and against the Land + Sea + Air menu hack? Are you stupid or something?鈥�
I may be a lot of things, but an 鈥渙r something,鈥� I am not.
But when you think about it, a turducken isn鈥檛 foul because it鈥檚 pretty much all fowl.
I鈥檓 not an animaltologist by any stretch of the imagination but when you start combining animals from different species and ecosystems in each bite, you鈥檙e asking for trouble on both a molecular level and a moral level.
Of course, there are exceptions like bacon-wrapped shrimp or bacon-wrapped turkey.
I think two different animals is acceptable from land, sea and air, but three is what triggers the negative response of 鈥済a-rosssss鈥�.
With that being said, I have to say I鈥檓 disappointed in the fast food chain鈥檚 menu hacks as I thought they were better than that. It is, after all, the same place that gifted us with a breakfast sandwich that uses pancakes injected with syrup for buns.
That was genius, and I sure hope the pregnant woman who came up with that isn鈥檛 the same pregnant woman who came up with the Land + Sea + Air combo.
I just hope her supervisor gives her a hard time about it.
鈥淲hat happened to you, Julia? You used to be inventive, dynamic and resourceful! We went forward with these menu hacks out of our blind faith in you. But, like Icarus, you built your wings on the laurels of your past and your unflinching hubris took you too close to the sun. I鈥檓 sorry, Julia, but we鈥檙e going to have to let you go.鈥�
鈥淲ait! I have an idea! We wrap the hack menu items in bacon!鈥�
鈥溾�鈥檓 listening.鈥�
So, folks, the next time you鈥檙e in the drive thru of your favorite fast food restaurant, just remember that some menu hacks were never meant to be鈥nless you cry about it, then it鈥檚 all good.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.