According to Hofmann: Solutions for resolutions
I hope you鈥檙e not reading this week鈥檚 column through the hazy, thudding head of a New Year鈥檚 Day hangover. If you are, then I hope you can live with your horrible, alcohol-induced decisions made during New Year鈥檚 Eve.
By that, I mean making ridiculous New Year鈥檚 resolutions.
According to various internet results, I need to take Viagra and to get into a reverse mortgage, but I also found a list of the top 10 most common New Year鈥檚 resolutions.
They include promises to exercise more, lose weight, get organized, learn a new skill or hobby, live life to the fullest, save more money/spend less money, quit smoking, spend more time with family and friends, travel more and read more.
Well, to help with that last one, you can start by purchasing my books, 鈥淪tupid Brain鈥� and 鈥淕ood Mourning: A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too,鈥� and my soon-to-be-released 鈥淏ooger Eating and Other Academic Pursuits,鈥� available wherever e-books are sold.
Sorry, that was me fulfilling my resolutions to make more money and to light a fire under my procrastinating rump to finish that book.
Unfortunately, the Journal of Clinical Psychology reported in a study that only 46% of people who made New Year鈥檚 resolutions were successful with following through.
However, an important point not mentioned was how long people stick to those resolutions before abandoning them like a bad habit, which is kind of an ironic statement because many resolutions are made to quit bad habits.
Also nobody has ever said if resolutions have an expiration date and what that expiration date may be 鈥� until now.
I think it鈥檚 best to treat resolutions like vehicle registration, and that鈥檚 to totally forget about renewing it until the state sends you notifications and then you鈥檙e reminded about it again from the nice police officer who pulled you over because you鈥檝e decided to save money and tint your car鈥檚 windows with black spray paint.
A responsible person, on the other hand, can renew them every New Year鈥檚 Eve or suffer the fate of being that screwball who thinks they鈥檙e perfect and always says at the New Year鈥檚 Eve party, 鈥淢y New Year鈥檚 resolution is to have no New Year鈥檚 resolutions.鈥�
Well, right there, you just broke your own resolution, pal. Welcome to the 46%.
Another question is when the resolution will go into effect. You鈥檇 think it would obviously be on New Year鈥檚 Day, but you have to understand the pitfalls of that logic.
Here鈥檚 the mentality of someone who, for example, wants to quit smoking 鈥�
鈥淭en minutes to midnight, and next year will be one totally smoke-free for me. Ten minutes will give me time to have one more cigarette, and that will be it 鈥� done! Of course, this New Year鈥檚 Eve party is going to go on well after midnight, so I鈥檒l probably have a couple more, which means tomorrow is pretty much tainted, so I鈥檒l stop the day after New Year鈥檚 Day 鈥� of course, I have over half a pack left, and that will probably take me through Jan. 3, and these cigarettes ain鈥檛 cheap. I鈥檓 already wasting money on these things, and throwing cigarettes away is like wasting money that I kind of already wasted. OK, so if I have no cigarettes left at the end of the day on Jan. 3, then I鈥檓 done for good. Then again, I really, really love to smoke.鈥�
鈥� and that鈥檚 how resolutions get broken.
I believe it鈥檚 best to set the activation date for your resolution for Feb. 2 for two reasons.
First, it gives you a whole month to psych yourself up and plan for the resolution day, giving you less pressure to put the resolution in action.
Second, that day is Groundhog Day, which will further help guide you. I鈥檓 not too sure about how the science of it all works, but if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, you leap into your resolution cold turkey; however, if he doesn鈥檛 see his shadow, then you can wait to begin on March 4, which is known as, appropriately enough, March Forth and Do Something Day.
I truly believe that system will work for all resolutions except for procrastination, but I鈥檒l worry about that some other time.
With that, I wish you Happy New Year all the best of luck on your New Year鈥檚 resolutions 鈥� whenever they may begin and just a friendly reminder to renew your resolution at the end of next year or else the Easter Bunny will egg your house.
Like I said, I鈥檓 not sure how the science of it all works.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.