According to Hofmann: Pennsylvania towns not named after Godzilla
With gas prices at an all-time high (until a couple days from now when they鈥檒l be at an all-time high again) many families are reconsidering that cross-country RV trip unless they win the Powerball jackpot and want to earmark half of their winnings for fuel.
Pennsylvanians, however, are lucky. We can always find in-state-destination options that sound somewhat exotic like Rome, Athens, Mars, Panic, Paint and Pancake. Not to mention the little-known (or rather-not-known) towns like Jugtown, Peach Bottom, Bumpville, Intercourse and Hazard.
Recently, MyDatingAdviser.com, a dating website that offers singles advice and reviews, took the time to compile a list of all the towns in Pennsylvania with strange, silly and downright questionable-sounding names.
I sat down with Amy Pritchett, Editor-in-Chief for MyDatingAdviser.com, for an interview on that subject.
Actually, I was instructed by our legal team to say by 鈥渟itting down,鈥� I actually meant that I sat down at my computer and emailed her questions. I鈥檓 also saying so because I have the utmost respect for my readers and the last thing I want to do is make it seem like I鈥檓 duping all of you.
MARK: Thank you for doing this, Amy. I鈥檓 going to write that I actually sat down with you for this interview. My readers will never know I鈥檓 duping them. I do it all the time! I even made them think I鈥檓 this everyday-Joe-kind- of-a-guy, but I鈥檓 actually an elderly Hungarian woman who does this as a side gig between writing sci-fi romance novels.
Anyway, tell me what made you want to put a list of places with strange names on your website?
AMY: I think the state of the world sums this answer up nicely. Happy to offer comic relief wherever possible.
MARK: I鈥檓 sure the town that really makes people do a double take has to be Intercourse, Pennsylvania. I am very familiar with this town because every time I meet a woman online, I ask her if she wants to go to intercourse 鈥� PA, with me. Then she says I鈥檓 a creep and she doesn鈥檛 want me to contact her anymore. And then that wife of mine finds out and that鈥檚 a whole other story. What has been the reaction from people when hearing about that town for the first time?
AMY: They want to go. Clearly. I know I do anyway.
MARK: Great googally moogally! I saw on your site that it was named that because 鈥渋ntercourse鈥� back then commonly referred to a commercial or trading site. I don鈥檛 know, upon learning that, it sounds even dirtier. Don鈥檛 ask me why.
Moving on, in your professional opinion, why can鈥檛 I use a photo of Ryan Reynolds for my profile on dating websites? Nobody said squat when I used a photo of Bob Newhart, but when I used Ryan Reynolds鈥� People Magazine cover shoot for the 2010 鈥淪exiest Man of the Year,鈥� I鈥檓 the deceptive jerk!
AMY: Are you saying Ryan Reynolds is better than you?
MARK: Maybe as Deadpool, but not as Green Lantern.
Speaking of towns, don鈥檛 you hate it when states have towns named after cities that have nothing to do with that state? Like Manhattan, Kansas, or Toledo, Oregon, for example. Like, c鈥檓on. Who are you kidding?
AMY: Or flip the coin and you can visit another city without going anywhere. Think about it.
MARK: That pesky lobotomy prevents me from really doing any kind of critical thinking anymore and causes me to lose focus on what I鈥檓 discussing, but that鈥檚 the great thing about abducting people. All you need is some rope, chloroform and duct tape and you can surprise virtually anyone with a free vacation 鈥� and on a budget.
Speaking of towns, I really think you should be able to name a town after something conquers it and destroys its civilization. That鈥檚 why I think there should be like 50 different towns in Japan named 鈥淕odzilla.鈥� Makes me wonder what happened in Pancake, PA. But my question is who do you think would win in a fight, Godzilla or Nancy, the title character from 鈥淎ttack of the 50 Foot Woman鈥�?
AMY: I think you should rename Japanese towns. A 50-foot woman sounds horrible so I鈥檓 voting for Godzilla.
MARK: How much weight do you think I can bench press?
AMY: More than Ryan Reynolds 鈥� definitely. You鈥檙e selling yourself short with that profile pic.
MARK: Yeah, I should have stuck with Bob Newhart. That guy could power lift an axle from a diesel truck back in the day.
Thank you for your time, Amy. Just one more thing, would you like to go to Intercourse 鈥� PA, with me?
AMY: Mark, if you want to go to Intercourse, PA, with me there are a few things that need to happen first. 1. Use your own profile picture in the dating app, 2. Rename Japanese towns, 3. Keep asking ridiculous interview questions. After Intercourse, I want to go to Bumpville for dinner.
MARK: It鈥檚 a date! I鈥檒l grab the chloroform.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.