According to Hofmann: It’s a dog-eat-lobster world
I used to think I had to watch 鈥淪tar Trek鈥� or 鈥淎nimal Planet鈥� or 鈥淭he Jersey Shore鈥� to learn of the similarities and differences between various species, but it turns out a trip to the vet accomplished the same thing.
At the recent appointment for my dog, Oreo, he had to have his shots updated, his blood checked and his poop examined after it was obtained by me at 3 a.m. that day and delivered in three sealed plastic bags.
Gladly, the vet said Oreo was a healthy 3-year-old Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix, but she did take time to point out something to me.
鈥淵our dog is a fat piece of lard, Mr. Hofmann.鈥�
Of course, she didn鈥檛 say it like that. She, like every doctor, took the long road to get to a simple destination.
She started by saying even though Oreo is 3 years of age, he鈥檚 really in his late 20s in dog years.
I could never figure out dog years. I used to think you had to just multiply every year of the dog鈥檚 life by seven, but, according to the American Veterinary Medical Association, 15 human years equals the first year of a medium-sized dog鈥檚 life, then you add nine years to year two and then add five years for every year starting at age 3.
So, in a year or two by my calculations, Oreo will be getting up earlier, complaining about pop music and predicting the weather due to joint inflammation, but I鈥檓 bad at math, so there you go.
Anyway, she said while he was only about five pounds overweight, Oreo is well into doggy adulthood and, like all human adults, his metabolism is not what it once was oh so many years ago. The pounds start to pack on easier, and are tougher to lose.
I sucked in my gut, puffed out my chest and told her I didn鈥檛 know what she was talking about.
She then asked about Oreo鈥檚 eating habits 鈥� how much food do we give him, for one.
Because we are a lazy family, we bought Oreo this contraption that lets you fill a hopper with dog food, and as the dog eats the food in the tray, more food falls down from the hopper.
The vet said, and I鈥檓 paraphrasing, 鈥淏ad human! Bad!鈥� and said that will cause Oreo to overeat.
She then asked about snacks.
鈥淚鈥檇 love a snack,鈥� I said as my gut succumbed to gravity and hung down.
Turns out, she meant what kind of treats do we give him and how many do we give him. He gets a treat whenever he gives us a cute and pitiful look, so roughly 75 treats per day, by my poor calculations.
It turns out, like the food hopper, that was the wrong answer, and I was smacked on the nose with a newspaper.
鈥淵ou should only give him treats when you鈥檙e teaching him tricks,鈥� she said.
That confused me because she just finished saying he was on his way to becoming an older dog, and I thought you couldn鈥檛 teach an old dog new tricks.
I really have to reexamine this belief system I have.
The vet could clearly see the confusion and drool on my face and added that, to a dog, a doggy treat is as healthy as a donut is to us.
Good thing we didn鈥檛 feed him actual donuts or the vet would have said that鈥檚 as unhealthy as a human eating rusty razor blades out of a used Bio Hazard bag filled with ranch dressing.
It really made me think about the differences between dogs and humans 鈥� I mean, they鈥檙e a different species, but they are a member of a family like third cousins twice removed. (I could never figure out the second, third or fourth cousin 鈥渞emoved鈥� from the family thing. I thought you just multiply each cousin鈥檚 parent by three and divide that by four.)
Anyway, those differences between dogs and humans come to light when they, for example, watch us dress and undress and, boy, do they watch us.
Oreo is both fascinated and I think somewhat disgusted by watching me change in and out of clothing. I know that because I see him staring at me, and I鈥檇 like to say he has a look on his face like he ate poop, but dogs like eating poop, so what do I know?
Speaking of having nature call, have you ever had a dog walk in on you while you鈥檙e in the bathroom? It鈥檚 like I know he鈥檚 thinking, 鈥淲hat鈥檚 this twisted insanity? Doesn鈥檛 he know there鈥檚 a big yard out there where he can do that? And that鈥檚 where I drink my water!鈥�
With so many differences between humans and dogs, I want to end this week鈥檚 column to say that there鈥檚 a similarity between the two, and that鈥檚 the fact that we lie.
The realization hit me when I found myself defensively answering some of the vet鈥檚 questions like I answer my own doctor鈥檚 questions.
鈥淔eed him from the table? Of course not! We only feed him the top-tier dog food in vacuumed-sealed packages that the store places in special refrigeration units. We know it鈥檚 more expensive than caviar-stuffed lobster tails because that鈥檚 one of the ingredients, but money be damned! What kind of backward hayseeds do you take us for?鈥�
And I won鈥檛 even begin to entertain the notion that if Oreo could talk, he鈥檇 tell the vet the truth.
Many times, I鈥檝e heard things being disturbed in my kitchen only to walk out there to see Oreo backing up from whatever garbage can through which he had been burrowing, acting like nothing happened.
Dogs can be deceptive, too. I don鈥檛 know if all animals were born with that instinct, but it seems to be a trick no animal is too old to learn.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.