According to Hofmann: A crack(er) in the universe
It鈥檚 funny when you hear two different things 鈥� totally separate from one another 鈥� and you make a connection that seems crazy at the moment, but eventually makes sense.
I鈥檓 talking about things like the first time peanut butter and chocolate met, or the first time chocolate and bananas met or the first time chocolate and bacon met. (Basically, chocolate goes with everything whether you realize it or not.)
Anyway, a recent story caught my fevered mind that a new theory has emerged stating there may be what鈥檚 called an 鈥渁nti-universe鈥� that mirrors our universe, but there, time runs backwards.
Of course, I dove right in and read all about symmetries, dark matter, gravitational waves, combined symmetry, electron-neutrinos, muon-neutrinos, tau-neutrinos and Majorana particles.
After the first 30 seconds, boredom and confusion sucked every ounce of enthusiasm I had for the subject, and my eyes glazed over the text of the article until I came across a paragraph that basically repeated the headline that first caught my attention.
By that point, I think I had enough information to be considered an armchair expert on the matter (or anti-matter).
It fascinates me that there could be another Earth 鈥� or 鈥淗trae鈥� 鈥� out there where another version of me 鈥� named 鈥淜ram鈥� I鈥檓 sure 鈥� has already written this column and had already experienced the backlash that came from its publication because he believed 鈥渢ime running backwards鈥� meant words are spelled backwards, too.
I bet he鈥檚 also working on his column from last week for his column next week, which would really be 鈥渓ast week鈥� to them.
I would have to figure, since they鈥檙e moving backwards in time, they鈥檙e de-evolving as a species and because we鈥檙e aware of humans evolving, they鈥檙e aware of their de-evolution and have dedicated movies to their 鈥渇uture鈥� as neanderthals. Of course, they probably watch their movies from the end to the beginning, so good luck figuring out those films.
Oh well, the whole thing isw just a hypothesis at this point 鈥� or is it?
You see, soon after I read the story about the universe running backwards, I came across a story concerning a well-known and well-established circular cracker with ridges on the sides 鈥搇et鈥檚 call them Glitz Grackers to avoid any more confusion than this column already has.
Anyway, the story is of a YouTuber who realized that the ridges on a Glitz Gracker are used to cut the cheese.
Stop laughing, it鈥檚 true.
The ridges are used like a pizza cutter to slice a piece of cheese that鈥檚 the perfect fit for a Glitz Gracker.
The video that accompanied the story showed the guy cutting the cheese (stop laughing) by rolling a Glitz Gracker across a slice of American cheese, making a perfect square to fit on top of the cracker.
Of course, it seems like a slice of processed cheese is the only cheese that would work for the gracker. There鈥檚 no way it can do the same to a cheddar or an asiago 鈥� half your snack would turn to dust! I guess you could use it for a soft cheese like brie or Gorgonzola, but that鈥檚 practically a dip by that point.
But I鈥檓 getting away from my point because the most interesting thing about this announcement is the utter shock from people who had no idea that a Glitz Gracker is now like the Swiss Army Knife of snack food.
Reader comments below the article included:
鈥淎ll my life I had no idea鈥o idea.鈥�
鈥淓verything I鈥檝e ever known is a lie!鈥�
鈥淭his is Biden鈥檚 fault.鈥�
鈥淭his is Trump鈥檚 fault.鈥�
鈥淚 will never trust food again!鈥�
Yes, everyone is shocked, but I鈥檓 more perplexed by it because I can鈥檛 understand how this news has never surfaced. You鈥檇 think the cracker company would want people to know the brilliant thing their snack can do for the consumer.
I mean, it鈥檚 the biggest thing since bread bowls!
Then I remembered our mirrored universe. Over there, people on 鈥淗trae鈥� may now be forgetting that the ridges have been put on the Glitz Gracker (or Rekcarg Ztilg) as part of their continued de-evolution.
Or, perhaps, we were the ones that forgot about the cheese-cutting ridges and our anti-universe counterparts are just discovering it.
Or, maybe, we鈥檙e at a crossroads with this other universe and certain things may bleed over between them. This could be a first step in connecting and finding common ground, and maybe someday in the near future (or past) all problems will be solved.
I鈥檓 not a scientist or a physicist or a man of below-average intelligence, but I do know the one thing that can pull Earth and Htrae together: chocolate.
It goes with everything.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.