According to Hofmann: The head DJ syndrome
If you鈥檙e a well-versed student of psychology or even a casual observer of the practice, you鈥檙e aware that the brain is one messed-up organ, clinically speaking.
It鈥檚 like a super computer in a sci-if movie that everyone marvels at until a stupid glitch causes the computer to launch all the nukes to wipe out humanity.
Nothing about the brain illustrates that dire scenario more than the DJ in your head.
If you don鈥檛 know what I鈥檓 talking about, anyone who has ever said they have a song stuck in their head has a head DJ.
I鈥檝e named my head DJ 鈥淒J Head鈥� because I鈥檓 not good with naming things, and I figured that name sounded like one a DJ would give to themselves.
While I鈥檓 pretty sure most head DJs are similar, I鈥檒l tell you a little about DJ Head.
Right off the bat, he鈥檚 a jerk.
鈥淗eeeeeeey, coming up is that slightly catchy song that annoys the snot out of you that I鈥檒l play about 24,000 times! And don鈥檛 worry, I won鈥檛 play the whole song, just a certain section over and over and over again like a TikTok video!鈥�
That鈥檚 right. Not only is he a jerk, he鈥檚 a jerk who knows how to edit and play song snippets, and he鈥檚 a workaholic.
鈥淗eeeeeeeey, DJ Head coming to you live from Skull Studios. It鈥檚 13 minutes past the midnight hour, but it鈥檚 really time to replay parts of that stupid song your wife and kid played in the car earlier!鈥�
I only wished DJ Head talked up the song before playing it like a real DJ. That way, I can at least get a beak from the insane loop of 鈥淪hake it Off鈥� by Taylor Swift.
However, every now and then, DJ Head will put a song on a loop that I actually like, so he鈥檚 not all that bad, but it never lasts as he pulls the rug out from under me every time.
Also, he takes requests, but it鈥檚 the equivalent of me threatening a real DJ by holding their favorite pet over a boiling pot of vegetable stew so I can hear the full version of Warren Zevon鈥檚 鈥淚鈥檒l Sleep When I鈥檓 Dead鈥� over and over again. But, sooner or later, you get weak or lose your will and it鈥檚 back to annoying songs and Fluffy Chowder.
I don鈥檛 know what DJ Head likes more, annoying pop songs or commercial jingles. What I do know is I can sing the phone numbers of four plumbers and two heating and cooling companies without hesitation.
I can鈥檛 watch television commercials anymore without the dreaded idea that I鈥檓 going to be too slow on the 鈥渕ute鈥� button and be stuck with a jingle for magical wart-removing medication in my head all day.
Now, I know you read this column because I have all the answers (even though there have never been any questions), and the million-dollar question this week is 鈥淗ow do I destroy my head DJ?鈥�
Well, before one can figure that out, one has to know how their head DJ came about, why do they do what they do, why do they do it over and over again and why is it mostly the annoying things that are repeated.
I don鈥檛 know about your head DJ, but mine was a product of my parents and my teachers.
While I鈥檓 not sure how 鈥渓earning stuff鈥� has changed since I was a kid, my parents and teachers always had me learn things that were boring and things I hated to study by first writing it over and over and over again until your writing hand is petrified into a claw.
On top of that, when my mother went over homework with me, she鈥檇 sing a song and try to put the lesson into that song.
Nothing like learning about tectonic plate movement in the style of a George Throrogood song.
鈥淢ovin鈥� on over鈥lidin鈥� on over鈥he plates are movin鈥� 鈥檆ause the hot molten rock radiation is moving in!鈥�
Suddenly the head DJ makes a lot more sense, right?
Your head DJ is a part of your glorious, yet messed-up mind, clinically speaking.
Sure, it鈥檚 annoying, but we have family, friends, coworkers and neighbors who are also annoying, and we deal with them because they鈥檙e a part of our lives, just like our head DJ.
So the best advice I can give is simply do with your head DJ what you do with those people in your life and ignore them at all costs, don鈥檛 interact with them, smack your head against something and maybe they鈥檒l go away.
Unless, of course, there鈥檚 a need to contact a plumber or explain earthquakes, then DJ Head is back on duty.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.