According to Hofmann: The Hofmunchin’ Method
They say you are what you eat, which has never made much sense to me.
It would make sense if someone only ate one particular item all the time, which leads to the other similar saying, 鈥淚f you keep eating tacos, you鈥檙e going to turn in a taco.鈥�
But 99.99299% of people don鈥檛 consistently eat the same thing over and over again, which means, if you truly are what you eat, people would walk around like a Frankenstienian food monster.
Children would run around as a combination of hotdogs and ice cream; college students would be seen as a collection of pizza, Ramen noodles and light beer, and vegans, well, there鈥檚 no need to identify a vegan because most of them can鈥檛 help telling you what they eat.
So, if you are, indeed, what you eat, then how you eat it could reveal you to be a psychopath.
For example, my best friend in high school would buy a four-pack of peanut butter cups whenever we鈥檇 go to the movie theater.
Once seated, he鈥檇 take the peanut butter cups out of the packet one by one and nibble all the ridges off of the cup, place the nibbled disc on his leg and then continue the ritual.
Before you know it, all four nibbled peanut butter cups were sitting in a row on his leg, and he鈥檇 then eat one cup at a time, much like a serial killer would.
Recently, I noticed my stepdaughter, Emma, removing the skin off of her chicken nuggets and placing the discarded skins to the side as she eats the naked nuggets of chicken.
She then consumes the collection of fried chicken skins like a serial killer would.
I admit it鈥檚 been pointed out that I have my own 鈥渜uirky鈥� habits when it comes to eating 鈥� beyond just shoveling food in my mouth with an actual shovel.
Whenever I eat a slice of ice cream cake, I eat the chocolate ice cream first, then the vanilla ice cream and finally the center where the fudge and cookie crumbles sit 鈥� not like a serial killer would, though.
I鈥檓 more refined than that. I consider what I do more on the lines of an evil genius who does his deeds from a board room surrounded by henchmen and a huge shark tank.
It鈥檚 my fantasy. Let me desperately hold on to it.
If you believe I鈥檓 rehashing an old story where Emma dipped her apple slices in ketchup, you鈥檙e wrong. You see, that was more of a critique on disgusting food habits; this is more on the lines of how consuming your food could throw up (pun intended) red flags about you.
It鈥檚 like having a jelly-filled doughnut and sucking the jelly out before you eat it 鈥� like a serial killer would.
Normally, I would point out the many faults to this breakthrough in food forensics, which I鈥檓 naming the Hofmunchin鈥� Method, but I think the method will be beneficial to the justice system in terms of profiling.
Picture a scenario where FBI agents are investigating a string of gruesome murders in a small town, and they interview a waitress at the local diner about a possible suspect.
鈥淗e came in once a week and ordered a slice of apple pie and a slice of peach pie, and he鈥檇 sit there for an hour to swap the fillings from one pie to another,鈥� the waitress said. 鈥淭hen he鈥檇 stack both pies on top of one another and eat the whole thing with two spoons.鈥�
The one FBI agent slowly puts on his mirrored sunglasses, looks off into the distance, gives half a grin and says, 鈥淲e got ya!鈥�
The Hofmunchin鈥� Method can also be used for a stay of execution.
There鈥檙e plenty of websites dedicated to documenting the last meals of infamous inmates on death row.
While I won鈥檛 publicize the actual killers鈥� names, I will give examples of the foods they requested along with what could be a statement from a state governor based on the last meals using the Hofmunchin鈥� Method.
In 2009, an inmate requested that, instead of a meal for himself, a pizza be delivered to a homeless shelter.
GOVERNOR: 鈥淧erhaps, his appeal should be re-examined.鈥�
In 1990, an inmate requested actual dirt for his final meal, but since it wasn鈥檛 an approved menu item, they gave him yogurt instead.
GOVERNOR: 鈥淐an I join the firing squad for this one?
And, finally, in 2011, an inmate asked for the following: two chicken-fried steaks, triple bacon cheeseburger, cheese omelet, a bowl of fried okra with ketchup, one pound of barbecued meat with half a loaf of white bread, three fajitas, a meat-lover鈥檚 pizza, a pint of ice cream, peanut-butter fudge with crushed peanuts and three root beers.
GOVERNOR: 鈥淗mm鈥f he survives the meal, I鈥檒l grant the stay of execution, but if he manages to escape after that, just list his menu as his description. I ran my campaign on being what you eat, so he won鈥檛 be hard to find.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.