According to Hofmann: Fully-destroyed sneakers will save the economy
Sometimes it鈥檚 good to get some kind of confirmation that the Earth is, indeed, spinning off its axis and into the depth of insanity.
Knowing that really saves me from having my brain literally break inside my skull when I read articles like the recent one about a shoe company selling a line of sneakers meant to look torn and tattered.
Regular readers of this column who don鈥檛 use it as a non-medical treatment for insomnia know that four years ago, I wrote about a company selling a line of 鈥渕uddy鈥� blue jeans as part of a fashion trend for anyone who wanted to embody the much-sought-after ditch digger look.
So, of course, a high-end shoe company decided to do something similar and create what they call 鈥淧aris High Top Sneaker Full Destroyed鈥�.
To fully understand what 鈥渇ull destroyed鈥� means, if you work with alligators and crocodiles below and active volcano and had close calls on the jobs with those beast snapping at your feet, look at the worn shoes on your shoe rack and then look inside the closest garbage can from that, and you鈥檒l see what 鈥渇ull destroyed鈥� looks like.
Of course, I can only describe the product so much with my limited voca鈥acab鈥lar-words, so I鈥檒l leave it to the company.
The sneaker consists of 鈥渇ull destroyed cotton and rubber鈥� with 鈥渞ippings all over the fabric鈥� and the company鈥檚 logo graffitied on the sole of the shoe.
That doesn鈥檛 sound like the description of a shoe, it sounds like a list of problems with a used car posted on Craigslist.
And unlike a used car on Craigslist and just like the 鈥渕uddy鈥� blue jeans, the price for the luxury of looking like a ragamuffin is pretty high.
The shoes come in two colors: black with a bunch of crap done to it and an off-white that鈥檚 so off it triggers your sense of smell at a price of $1,850.
That鈥檚 not the best part. The best part is the fact that they say you can clean the shoes with just a wipe of a soft cloth.
What a chore that sounds like.
鈥淥h, here鈥檚 some dirt鈥o, that鈥檚 supposed to be there, we鈥檒l here鈥檚 a smudge-oh, that鈥檚 part of the design鈥kay, is this a real tear in the fabric or-wait, no, that was there when I mortgaged my house to buy these darn things.鈥�
I just hope this place doesn鈥檛 sell diapers because the poor parents of newborns have enough hardships right now with a baby formula shortage.
Then again, there are going to be parents out there who might buy the soiled-designed diaper at a 140% markup from regular diapers because, well, there鈥檚 no way to sugarcoat it, these people are time-traveling, vintage-clothing-store owners.
It鈥檚 the only thing that makes any sense. I don鈥檛 know anyone who would buy such a thing, I鈥檝e never seen anyone wear anything like that and I can鈥檛 imagine a mindset of someone would would want to spend that much on it.
The future might very well be a real crap-fest and people are so longing for 鈥渢he good-old days,鈥� that they want the real deal; or it could be future college kids going to parties dressed all tattered and announcing, 鈥淟ook at me, everyone! I鈥檓 a millennial!鈥�
That鈥檚 why I figure the competition among vintage clothing stores in the future must be so cutthroat that the store owners have to travel back in time to grab the ultra-rare items.
And if you think I鈥檓 making up the fact that vintage-clothing-store owners in the future have access to time machines, then prove me wrong 鈥� I鈥檒l wait 鈥� still waiting 鈥� didn鈥檛 think so.
Anyway, I鈥檇 love to see the sales pitch for some of this crap from the future vintage-clothing-store owners.
鈥淗i there! I see the sweat-stained and bird-pooped design along with the bill-bent feature in an uneven baseball cap has got your attention. Well, it鈥檚 from the second decade of the early 2000鈥檚-you know, when everyone lost their minds. Now look, I know you can go to any store on Mars and find hats exactly like this one, but this is authentically fake from that period. Where else can you find a better deal?鈥�
Not in the present, that鈥檚 for sure.
Also, with gas prices and, well, everything on the rise or out of stock, I think we better start figuring out how to advertise to future humans and possibly humanoids right now to have a new revenue stream and turn this economy around.
Of course, I can only describe these products so much with my limited voca鈥acab鈥lar-words, that I鈥檒l leave it to the company to describe it. They鈥檙e doing a bang-up job so far.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.