According to Hofmann: Taking the ‘fun’ out of fundraising
In the years since graduating from high school, I鈥檝e always tried to stay true to the mantra I and many other students have adopted: I鈥檓 never going to use math when I get out of here.
You see, I was horrible at math鈥nd social studies, English, gym, study hall, biology, basic comprehension 101, etc.
That, dear people, is why I entered into the wonderful world of journalism and continue the romance I鈥檝e had with words to find just the perfect combination of letters, spaces and punctuation that projects my innermost thoughts and feelings and effectively conveys all that stuff to all yinz peoples.
While I still haven鈥檛 found a use for most school subjects in my social or professional life, I was horrified to realize how much I needed to know some kind of twisted advanced math when I had to fill out my stepdaughter鈥檚 school candy fundraiser order.
You鈥檇 think it would be a simple procedure 鈥� the basic exchange of buying and selling where I show someone something, they give me money for what they want and they receive the item they selected.
No. With a candy order form, it comes with a grid that reminds me of the hardest setting on the computer game 鈥淢inesweeper.鈥� There are roughly 12,000 blocks where you write the customer鈥檚 name, mark the item they want, write the quantity of that particular item they want and include their total cost.
It sounds easy on paper, but it鈥檚 not easy on paper, oddly enough.
When the order is due, you have to add up the number of orders, along with their price while factoring in those multiple orders of the same item from that mega grid.
Then you have to add up the money you鈥檝e collected and write down the totals that people still owe you, so you can make a point to break their legs at a later date because you鈥檙e distracted with math for the unforeseeable future.
When you factor in the cash and checks you鈥檝e been given, the money that鈥檚 owed, the number of orders and their costs, both totals should be the same, and you should have a zero balance.
Now, a zero balance may not be something you desire if you鈥檙e starting a high-wire act, but it鈥檚 perfect for my situation.
But, with all things perfect, it鈥檚 also unachievable.
When you first realize that you鈥檝e added up the orders wrong, you鈥檙e at the very last steps of the process. Then you go through the process again and find out that you鈥檙e wrong again, but you鈥檙e wrong in a different way.
For example, we were $30 short the first go around, then we were $11 over, then $3 short, and that was after we did the exact same process the exact same way.
That especially frustrated my wife, who said she thought we learned from our mistakes last year and the year before that and there鈥檚 no way math would get the better of us three years in a row.
She didn鈥檛 consider what I already knew from watching 鈥淭erminator鈥� films: history always repeats itself and there鈥檚 not a thing you can do to prevent it.
The next thing I knew, we had seven different totals after adding and subtracting everything five different times 鈥� and I realize that doesn鈥檛 make mathematical sense, but that was the mathematical vortex we found ourselves in.
I never thought it would be possible for me to rip the fabric of time and space, creating different dimensions where up is down, down is sideways and 1 + 1 = 3.6.
鈥淗ow can this be!鈥� I鈥檇 blurt out, holding my open hands out to the papers like they were going to give me an explanation.
You finally reach the point where you just want the mental torture to end, and you live with the idea that you鈥檙e going to personally pay an additional $532 to your daughter school鈥檚 fundraising efforts.
While that was bad, a few days following us sending out the check and the candy order, someone from the school contacted us to say we neglect to calculate two of the candy orders on the sheet鈥檚 order total; even with forgetting about those two orders, we still managed to overpay, but with the items included, we owed an additional $13.
鈥淧ay it!鈥� I hollered at my wife because missing a payment for a speeding ticket or to a seedy loan shark is one thing, but having the school know you鈥檙e a deadbeat is the recipe of doom. Rumors spread like wildfire in those places.
However, that phone call inspired me for the next fundraiser season.
I plan to jot down the orders and include a check for $50 and will let the school figure it all out.
If I overpay (if you order more than two things, it鈥檚 impossible to overpay with $50), then so be it. If I owe more, the school will call, and I鈥檒l make up the difference.
Either way, I鈥檓 including a note in the order that reads, 鈥淪eeing that I鈥檓 no longer in school, I鈥檓 staying true to my roots and not using math anymore; since you鈥檙e in school, the math is your problem.鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.