According to Hofmann: Fighting Christmas
My gripes about Christmas arriving earlier and earlier have been well documented throughout the course of writing this column.
To put it in statistical terms, out of every 10 columns I write, seven of them contain something about the premature arrival of Christmas decorations, songs, movies, commercials and festivities 鈥� and those columns had nothing to do with Christmas or the holidays at all.
However, I decided a person never gets anywhere by just complaining unless their name is Karen, for some reason.
So, instead of writing out my complaints (and I鈥檓 well aware that is what I鈥檓 doing), I decided to take action by standing firm, stiffing my upper lip and drawing a line in the sand鈥搘ell, snow, in this case 鈥� and fighting Christmas.
For anyone who likes to read, John Grisham wrote a book called 鈥淪kipping Christmas鈥� where the characters decide to save money and skip Christmas to instead go on a cruise, much to the chagrin of their Christmas-crazed neighbors and friends.
For anyone who doesn鈥檛 like to read, the book was turned into the movie 鈥淐hristmas With the Kranks,鈥� but you wouldn鈥檛 know that if you don鈥檛 like to read because you wouldn鈥檛 be reading this column, so never mind.
That being said, I just want it to be known that I won鈥檛 be 鈥渟kipping鈥� Christmas. I will still observe, celebrate and go into crippling debt because of it.
What I鈥檓 doing is fighting Christmas, keeping it back and putting it in its place.
First, we need to establish what its place is.
To do that, we need to take a look at what its place shouldn鈥檛 be. Christmas should not be melding with Halloween to the point where I can actually see store shelves transitioning from the blacks and purples and the blood and the monsters of the Halloween season to reds and greens and the snow and reindeer of the Christmas season.
It was like a horror movie 鈥� but in reverse!
鈥淚鈥檇 like to speak to the manager,鈥� I said to a store employee while that abomination was happening before my eyes.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 your name?鈥�
鈥淢补谤办.鈥�
鈥淪orry, we don鈥檛 bother the manager unless your name is Karen.鈥�
Of course, there are some who would say the holly-jolliness shouldn鈥檛 begin until Dec. 1; however, I鈥檓 not a Grinch, and I believe Christmas should hit the population full force the Day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday is a pre-Christmas shopping holiday, and you can鈥檛 fight the beast of retail. So deal with it, you soulless pagans!
Then we have to actually fight Christmas, and I鈥檓 not saying we need to sharpen candy canes into shivs or fill Molotov cocktails with eggnog because this is purely a psychological battle of wills.
For that to happen, people have to get out of their comfort zones and the best way to do that is to start at the biggest comfort zone, your own home.
Over the past few weeks, I鈥檝e been a terror to my wife and 12-year-old stepdaughter when it comes to exposure of pre-Christmas Christmas.
I normally tend to slightly groan and limp away from them when I鈥檓 assaulted by the garbled mass of crap I hear from their TikTok apps on their phones, but I now snap when I hear a Christmas song or any mention of Christmas being played.
鈥淲hat! No! Not Christmas! It鈥檚 not even Thanksgiving! Skip! Skip it now! Now, now, now!鈥� I scream and scream and then I鈥檓 ignored until I hold my breath and lose consciousness.
I gotta tell you, it somewhat works as they鈥檙e now conditioned to quickly move on to another video if there鈥檚 any sign of Christmas.
Of course, I occasionally forget where my keys are, where I live and my name, but it鈥檚 worth it.
It鈥檚 also a small step that eventually leads to a stumble and a crash due to lack of oxygen to my brain, but it鈥檚 going to take baby steps and it鈥檚 going to truly take time for my method to make a difference.
However, if we start seeing Christmas stuff on the shelves at the same time as Halloween items next year, we鈥檙e going to have to resort to drastic measures and change all of our names to Karen.
That鈥檒l really get their attention.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.