According to Hofmann: 2022 Parental Misery Index Toy Guide
Well, seeing that Black Friday has come and gone, and you鈥檙e likely reading this on ash-gray Sunday and afraid you won鈥檛 find any deals until Christmas, don鈥檛 worry. There are still 29 shopping days remaining, and probably 32,438 more sales crammed in there if you look and shop hard enough.
That being said, over-eager shoppers tend to make mistakes鈥揺specially parents as they鈥檙e under a significant amount of pressure to get everything on their child鈥檚 list or suffer a damnation worse than, well, damnation.
To avoid such hardship, I present to you my annual Parental Misery Index (PMI) where I highlight a few of the hot toys of the season and give them a rating on the PMI scale based on how miserable the toy will make the parents.
An unattainable score of 1 is for a toy that parents actually want their children to have. A score of 10 on the scale means the toy is so annoying to a parent that they should ask Santa for a Bob Ross TNT explosives set so the gift can have 鈥渁 happy little accident.鈥�
Now, let鈥檚 take a look at this year鈥檚 toys 鈥� and then flinch away.
VTech Level Up Gaming Chair, $44.99, for ages 1.5 to 4 years.
Kids already know more about technology than anyone over the age of 35, so why not encourage it more? This interactive swivel chair comes with a joystick, pretend headphones, WiFi tablet that teaches numbers, music and animals.
PMI Score: 8.2.
I don鈥檛 see this thing becoming an annoyance right off the bat. The toy has a kind of annoyance that I like to call a slow burn. Sure, the kid has fun 鈥減retending鈥� to be a gamer in the gamer chair, maybe some of the noises and whatnot would cause a minor annoyance, but you can deal with it. The problem is when the kid grows out of that chair, asks for a normal gaming chair and, before you know it, you have an unemployed 39-year-old gamer who subsists on a diet of Hot Pockets and Doritos and, worse yet, lives in your basement.
AIRTITANS Jurassic World Inflatable T Rex RC 鈥� Massive Attack Air Titans Dinosaur, $122.99, ages 8 to 16.
Every kid wants a pet dinosaur to eat their teachers, but the next best thing is this remote-controlled, inflatable T-Rex that鈥檚 over 6 feet tall, features multiple T-Rex sounds (roaring and growling as far as I can imagine) and can stomp, thrash and spin. Hide the dogs.
PMI Score: 6.7.
I found this toy pretty impressive as I鈥檓 sure most parents would, leading them to foolishly throw money at the cashier and making their own T-Rex sounds when they see how much they have to spend. Spoiler alert: it鈥檚 the same sound an actual T-Rex made as it saw the meteorite rocketing to Earth. Besides, I have enough worries stepping on a Lego block, now I have to worry about fighting a six-foot inflatable dinosaur while in the throes of a eggnog hangover. No thanks.
Nerf Blaster Scooter 2.0, $69, for ages 8 and up.
This two-wheel scooter features a trigger button that fires one clip of six Nerf Elite darts, and the blaster is compatible with many other Nerf accessories. Hide the dog, cat, grandma and the inflatable T-Rex.
PMI Score: 3.7.
Sure, your child will now have the ability to assassinate things while on the go and will terrorize the neighborhood. I know it sounds bad on paper, but I bet it would be a pretty awesome sight. The only reason it didn鈥檛 get a more favorable score comes from my bitter jealousy that I didn鈥檛 have something like that when I was a kid 鈥� or even now. I mean, how hard is it to put a Nerf blaster cannon on a Honda Civic? These punk kids have it way too good.
eKids Disney Encanto Karaoke Machine, $59.99, for ages 3 and up鈥eriously?
Just imagine! You child with access to their favorite music playlists at the push of a button where they can hear and sing along with selections from the movie 鈥淓ncanto.鈥� The Bluetooth feature allows your child to hook the machine to speakers so EVERYBODY can hear鈥hether they want to or not.
PMI Score: 8.8.
All I have to say is, you know you鈥檝e made a mistake when your kid begins the 1,154th take of 鈥淲e Don鈥檛 Talk About Bruno鈥� by first saying, 鈥淭his one鈥檚 for you, Mom and Dad. Welcome to Hell!鈥�
And with those brave words, I hope you consider (or reconsider) your purchases for the next 29 days as the wrong gift can equal a vicious assault on many or all your senses
The only way to successfully combat this is smart, informed and cautious shopping 鈥� or figure out a way to install a Nerf-dart machine gun on the hood of your Nissan and spread some Christmas jeer.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.