According to Hofmann: Space…the final space
I really hate to start off this week鈥檚 humor column with sad news, but some of the funniest things in life have started in a sad way like marriages. No? Maybe I鈥檓 only thinking about mine.
Okay, well, I did start this column in a funny way, but the sad news is the recent passing of Nichelle Nichols at the age of 89.
For those who are unfamiliar with that name, you may know her better from her role as Lt. Uhura on 鈥淪tar Trek.鈥�
Sad news, indeed, but what caught my eye was an accompanying news story informing me that a portion of her cremated ashes and a sample of her DNA will be launched into space by a company that specializes in launching human remains into space.
I didn鈥檛 know such a thing existed. I just assumed there were some shady dealings going on at NASA where astronauts were getting their palms greased to smuggle urns on to their rockets and, while on their mission, they鈥檇 mosey on over to the escape hatch to 鈥渃onduct maintenance tests鈥� and WOOSH, out the remains go.
I learned that the company also launched into space the remains of James Doohan, who played Scotty on 鈥淪tar Trek鈥� and even Gene Roddenberry, who created 鈥淪tar Trek,鈥� and his wife, actor Majel Barrett Roddenberry, who played nurse Christine Chapel on 鈥淪tar Trek.鈥�
I鈥檓 just glad these folks weren鈥檛 involved with a television show centering around a crew working at a sewage treatment facility.
My parents were cremated, and their wishes were to have their ashes spread at places they enjoyed visiting and spending time; they didn鈥檛 mentioned places they鈥檝e never been before.
I can imagine visiting a psychic medium to have my dad say through them something like, 鈥淲hy did you spread my remains on the King Kong ride at Universal Studios? It would have been a better trip if I were alive 鈥� and I never said I wanted to go to Universal Studios in the first place 鈥� you just wanted an excuse to go to Universal Studios, didn鈥檛 you? Now I鈥檓 going to haunt you.鈥�
I really don鈥檛 have any mixed feelings about this whole idea because I鈥檓 dead inside, but my brain can鈥檛 stop thinking about everything surrounding this practice. Mainly, though, I wonder what the aliens will think of us.
First, we have like 4,500 satellites in orbit around the Earth and although you take into account the size of the Earth makes the number seem kind of small, it鈥檚 still something my neat-freak wife would say is a cluttered mess.
We鈥檝e also sent exploration satellites and probes, space telescopes, time capsules, a golden record that contain various media and we also send out signals containing images and sounds from movies, TV and radio.
Basically, we鈥檙e the moody teenage slobs of the galaxy, and the Earth is our bedroom.
If you鈥檙e wondering if beings from another world visiting us will be hostile, just keep in mind that we鈥檝e subjected them to a trail of Pauly Shore movies and episodes of 鈥淭he Jersey Shore.鈥� Be prepared for an invasion.
Of course, we鈥檝e also been shooting cremated remains and DNA samples out into space for years like we鈥檙e the mafia trying to get rid of bodies, so maybe the aliens will think twice about messing with us.
Also, we might as well start launching our trash into space. Sure, the environmentalists will be upset at first, but I鈥檓 sure they鈥檒l eventually be on board 鈥� on board as in they鈥檒l be sent up in space along with the trash.
Joking. I鈥檓 joking,
But, when you think about it, how upset would they really be if we just started shooting garbage into space?
The garbage wouldn鈥檛 be on Earth anymore and maybe it would eventually go toward a star and burn up to nothing. Even if it doesn鈥檛, so what? The thing about space is, well, it鈥檚 the ultimate space with billions and billions of stars and planets and unknown wonders and candy wrappers and empty beer bottles.
Besides, we鈥檙e giving other galactic space travelers glimpses of our culture; we might as well show them the dirty side, too.
So, let the extraterrestrials think what they will about us and our space practices. If they like us, fine; if they decide we need to be destroyed, well, they鈥檙e going to have to get past our landfill (spacefill?) and satellite collection first.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.