According to Hofmann: Work: There’s an app for that
I鈥檝e been spending more time on my smartphone because I found an app that allows me to play games on my phone in the comfort of my own home or even the uncomfort of a dentist鈥檚 chair and get paid to do it!
Sure, I have to reach level 42,600 in Candy Crush within four days to qualify to get paid, and I had to ignore family, friends and responsibilities, and take a few vacation days from work to get it done.
Even though I have overdue bills and a failed marriage, at least I have an extra $5 for my efforts.
While I鈥檓 enjoying that little side endeavor, the one thing I do find annoying are the video ads that come with it.
Those ads run roughly five times every minute while I鈥檓 playing my game, and those ads are normally for other game apps for me to download and play so I can be subjected to more ads for game apps for me to download and play and鈥�
Wait, I think I鈥檓 seeking a pattern here.
There are a bombardment of app ads (appads?) that want me to play a game that essentially mimics a career.
These career games are categorized as 鈥渟imulation games,鈥� and you as the player embark on missions to work a job in a video-game-like sort of way.
The types of games include, (and I swear I鈥檓 not making up any of these things), hotel employment, township supervisor, hair stylist, tow-truck driver, truck-stop owner, tractor-trailer driver, chefs, fast-food cook, short-order cook, package deliverer, mortician, farmer, building landlord, pizza shop owner/worker, coal miner, pawn-shop owner, car washer, parking-lot manager, airport-security employee and many, many more.
After browsing various ads, I decided to get specific and see if the two main occupations I鈥檝e had in my lifetime made the cut.
First, I searched for 鈥済as station attendant simulator鈥� and found there were about five or six games where you can play as an attendant, pumping gas, wiping windshields, checking oil and tire pressure, and getting yelled at by irate customers.
Yep. That sounds pretty accurate.
Second, I searched for my current position and typed 鈥渘ewspaper reporter simulator鈥� and found two games 鈥� one for a TV news reporter (they get all the glory) and one for an editor that basically shows a line of reporters entering your office with headlines on already-printed newspapers, and your character in the game either approves or rejects them by throwing the papers directly in a shredder, causing the reporter to run away in tears
Again, pretty accurate 鈥� kidding!
Now, these types of games aren鈥檛 new. I remember as a kid playing a video game where you get to be a paper boy or a pilot in a flight simulator or even a pioneer and his family, making their way west on a wagon convoy.
The latter, of course, is 鈥淭he Oregon Trail,鈥� which is also available to play on an app.
If you were a grade-school student in the 80s and 90s, chances are you played 鈥淭he Oregon Trail鈥� as it was almost a requirement in schools because how else can you learn about supply management and dysentery?
While I鈥檓 making fun of this a great deal, I also spent an equal amount of time trying to figure out why this is being done and who鈥檚 behind it.
To answer the second question, I put on my conspiracy-theory hat (just a ball cap that reads 鈥淐onspiracy Theory鈥� in magic marker) and determined the responsible party is the International Coalition of High School Guidance Counselors.
To answer why they鈥檙e doing it, I adjusted my conspiracy-theory hat (I flipped the ball cap backwards and stuck a feather behind my ear) and realized the simple solution is to get kids interested in careers that they hear their parents complain about, therefore, making the guidance counselor鈥檚 job easier.
鈥淗old on, Timmy. Are you telling me you don鈥檛 want to be a taxi driver in Detroit? Didn鈥檛 you post online that you just reached level 9,542 in 鈥楾axi Simulator鈥�? As your guidance counselor, I advise you to change your mind. You have the gift, son, don鈥檛 waste it!鈥�
It鈥檚 like when you鈥檙e a kid and you want to learn to shave, so your parents get you a plastic shaving kit so you can pretend to be an adult and shave in the mirror. Then you get older and then it becomes a chore and you long for the days where you would only need the plastic razor 鈥� and more hair, but just on your head instead of your face, chest, knuckles and back 鈥� you ladies know what I鈥檓 talking about.
You think I鈥檓 lying? You think I鈥檓 crazy? Well, I searched for guidance counselor simulation games and no such game popped up.
So, to the three teenagers who read this column to get clues on where I live to place flaming bags of dog poop on my porch, take this advice: get your noses out of your phones and don鈥檛 be manipulated. If you鈥檙e going to be disappointed with your career choices, be like the rest of us and make sure they鈥檙e your choices.
Meanwhile, I鈥檓 going to return to my side job by playing Gas Station Simulator 3D on my phone and raking in that sweet, sweet extra 15 cents per hour.
Take that, guidance counselors!
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.