According to Hofmann: Brace yourself
As I was going through social media to see who I needed to be angry at this week, I paused in horror at what I saw. Well, it really wasn鈥檛 鈥渉orror;鈥� perhaps more of a mild, sympathetic agony.
My cousin shared a photo of her daughter with braces on her teeth.
I know what you鈥檙e thinking because you subconsciously sent me an email that reads, 鈥淢ark, you nincompoop! There鈥檚 absolutely nothing wrong with having braces, most kids need them.鈥�
Well, I was one of those kids, and the experience of having braces still haunts me.
I鈥檓 sure a lot has changed in the 30-some years since my mouth had its metallic upgrade, and I know braces are now different colors, different styles, and able to pick up better radio signals, but when I see even the newest editions on the teeth of the current generation, a part of me still recoils.
As with any braces story, it started with my dentist, who noticed that my teeth weren鈥檛 properly aligned 鈥� maybe it was the few teeth that decided to grow sideways that caught his attention.
Anyway, he called my mother back to the torture chamber 鈥� I mean, exam room with me.
While I sat in the iron maiden 鈥� I mean, dentist鈥檚 chair 鈥� he addressed my needing braces, and told me it was totally my decision to get them or not.
Before I could say, run out into the waiting room to read out-of-print issues of 鈥淗ighlights鈥� magazine, the dentist continued.
鈥淣ow, if you say you don鈥檛 want braces, you鈥檙e going to make me mad, you鈥檙e going to make your mom mad, you鈥檙e going to make your dad mad and you鈥檙e going to infuriate the American Dental Association, which means they won鈥檛 recommend toothbrushes to you anymore.鈥�
Okay, I made up the part about the ADA, but with such a decision to make (either scenario leaving me with braces, but one scenario also causing the world to hate on me), how could I refuse?
Now, the procedure of getting braces wasn鈥檛 just like him slapping them on my teeth like I expected because, it turned out, I first needed what鈥檚 called a palate expander.
The device looks like a four-legged metal spider that鈥檚 placed at the roof of your mouth with the legs attached to your back teeth and along the base of your top teeth.
Sound comfortable so far? Well, just you wait.
At the body of the metal spider is a gear with holes in it; your parents are given a key to stick into those holes and crank the spider, which then pushes the legs out; therefore, expanding your palate.
If you鈥檝e never had your palate expanded, the pain is鈥mm鈥hat鈥檚 the proper phrasing?
Exquisitely tortuous like an inverted vice grip mangling your mouth鈥檚 interior.
After the first crank, your teeth feel like they鈥檙e swelling to the point of cracking, you can鈥檛 bite down without it feeling like you鈥檙e trying to munch on electricity and the dull aching when you鈥檙e not biting down or trying to do anything with your teeth is nothing but a pulsating ache.
For some reason, this was done to me the day before New Year鈥檚 Eve and, for some reason, my parents decided to stick with their plans and drive us three hours to a relative鈥檚 house for New Year鈥檚 Eve.
I think in today鈥檚 climate, I could have pretty much sued everybody involved in that particular misery; of course, the lawyer would tell me that, by doing so, I鈥檇 have everyone mad at me, and well, I can鈥檛 have that, can I?
The installation of the braces wasn鈥檛 too bad, especially when you take into account they are grafting metal to your teeth. In hindsight, I should have been more freaked out by that practice, but what made up for that was humiliation that followed 鈥� not by the braces so much because that鈥檚 an average thing.
For some reason, the braces were fitted to have these thin, tiny rubber bands that hook to the top row of teeth and down to the bottom row of teeth on both the left and right side of my mouth.
鈥淲hy is that?鈥� I asked the dentist, or because his hands were in my mouth at the time, 鈥淓ye disat?鈥�
鈥淏ecause why not add one more thing?鈥� he said and chuckled or maybe nitrous oxide was involved in some way, and I鈥檓 not recalling it quite right.
No matter, the thing about having braces with rubber bands attached is the band would occasionally break and when it did, I was normally in school and likely was talking to a girl who had to hide her repulsion when seeing a disgusting rubber band snap, spraying bits of saliva everywhere including in my eye and making my mouth look like I have a strand of angel-hair pasta hanging out of it like a squinting, drooling idiot.
鈥淥h, look at the time,鈥� she said, looking at her bare wrist. 鈥淚 have to go somewhere else for the rest of my life.鈥�
With it all said and done, I do acknowledge it was a necessity for me to go through the process, which I spent the next 30 years destroying again through beef jerky, coffee and cigars.
Sometimes I wonder if we started going through all of these torturous dental procedures to further push ourselves away from what was then horrific dental health of the British.
Maybe that鈥檚 why I seriously thought of renouncing my citizenship back then, but I figured all of America would be mad at me, and I can鈥檛 have that, can I?
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One 鈥� and Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.