According to Hofmann: Valentine’s dough
My wife, Amber, has a subtle way of dropping hints for me to do things: She tells them to our dog, Oreo.
鈥淥reo, I wish my husband will do something nice and extra special for me on Valentine鈥檚 Day, which falls on Tuesday next week.鈥�
鈥淎mber,鈥� I say, 鈥淚鈥檓 sitting right next to you.鈥�
鈥淵eah, Mark, but for some reason you never listen to me unless I鈥檓 talking to Oreo 鈥� Mark? Mark?鈥�
Believe me, I want to give Amber the greatest Valentine鈥檚 Day ever with candy, flowers, champagne, a romantic dinner, bath oils, tickets to the circus, the 4K Ultra HD versions of 鈥淭he Notebook鈥� and 鈥淪leepless in Seattle,鈥� jewelry and adorable toy animals stuffed with jewelry, flowers, candy, cash, champagne and 鈥淪leepless in Seattle.鈥�
The problem is that stuff gets pretty pricey, and it鈥檚 not just me saying that.
According to the National Retail Federation, Valentine鈥檚 Day in 2023 will have people spending an average of $192.80 鈥� an even $193 if they decide to throw in a few of those candy hearts with messages on them.
That figure is up 10% from last year. Nothing like inflation to destroy the romance in a marriage and not my lack of listening skills, so says my wife to Oreo.
Now, I know what you鈥檙e saying because you wrote your comments on those little candy hearts that it鈥檚 OK to splurge on your loved ones for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
I agree, but you also have to consider that many families are still in financial recovery from splurging on Thanksgiving because the 鈥渇amily鈥� needs to 鈥渆at,鈥� splurging for Christmas because the 鈥渇amily needs presents,鈥� splurging on New Year鈥檚 because the 鈥渇amily needs booze and pork,鈥� and most recently splurging on Groundhog鈥檚 Day because the 鈥渇amily needs ammunition to shoot at groundhogs upon hearing there鈥檚 going to be six more weeks of winter.鈥�
I have to admit, things were looking dark this Valentine鈥檚 Day, but cometh the hour, cometh the woman as my step-sister-in-law (my family tree is more like a wild vine) posted on social media that she would be available for rent on Valentine鈥檚 Day for $100 per hour to watch Netflix, eat pizza, take cute couple鈥檚 photos and give a good-night peck on the cheek.
Of course, the post was a joke, but I think everything online is real, so I decided that would be the perfect way for me to raise money to afford to give Amber a Valentine鈥檚 Day with all the fixin鈥檚.
For the plan to work, I decided to lowball my competition by offering my services for $16 per hour and a bottle of bourbon. For that, whoever is renting me can engage in such activities like watching 鈥淭erminator 2,鈥� go cow tipping, do Christopher Walken impressions and play 鈥淲hat鈥檚 that Smell?鈥�
With that in place, along with a photo of me sitting at a kitchen table with a slice of pizza hanging out of my mouth like it鈥檚 a triangular tongue, the only thing left is to tell Amber because, well, if one decided to rent one鈥檚 self out on the most romantic day of the year to someone who鈥檚 not one鈥檚 own one, then one鈥檚 own may have one or two things to say to one.
I know that鈥檚 a lot of math, but it鈥檚 a small sacrifice when love is concerned.
The best way I can figure to ease such a blow would be to compare it to those bachelor auctions I鈥檝e seen on sitcoms over the years where there鈥檚 no hanky-panky happening and the bachelor鈥檚 true-love interest always manages to outbid the 85-year-old widow with a predatory lust in her eyes.
Then again, if that鈥檚 the case in this case, then it would be counterproductive for Amber to rent me, as no money would be gained to give her a grand Valentine鈥檚 Day experience.
The other option would be not telling her at all, but that would be wrong, and she鈥檒l likely find out after I come home smelling like bourbon and riddled with signs of a cow-tipping evening gone horribly wrong.
Faced with such a situation, I find the best thing to do is find a middle ground between those two extremes and take a strategy from Amber鈥檚 playbook.
鈥淥reo, I have a kooky idea to raise money to do something extra special for my wife on Valentine鈥檚 Day鈥︹��
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.