According to Hofmann: Japanese zoo doing the ‘bear’ minimum
When you work for a newspaper, you get used to reading and writing headlines, as they鈥檙e meant to grab the reader鈥檚 attention with some shock and awe or pizazz or promises of fame and riches.
However, some headlines achieve the same effect just by stating the basic facts that are odd enough to make even a reporter like me turn my head and say, 鈥淲hat the what, girlfriend!鈥� in the sassiest voice I could muster.
Such a thing happened when I came across the headline reading, 鈥淢an in Bear Suit Leads Japanese Zoo Keepers on Chase in Escape Drill.鈥�
What the what, girlfriend, indeed.
According to the article, the Hitachi City Kamine Zoo decided to have an emergency drill involving an escaped bear and what better way to simulate an otherwise tense and frightening situation than to have an employee dress as a cartoon-like bear and roam outside of the zoo.
The story itself was pretty straightforward and uninteresting (spoiler alert: they caught the 鈥渂ear鈥�), but what really intrigued me was the accompanying video of the drill.
Needless to say, but I need to say it anyway, I had to watch the video, mainly because I wanted to see if they鈥檇 actually shoot the guy in the suit with tranquilizer darts.
The over two-minute-long video shows the guy in a baggy brown bear suit you鈥檇 see at Halloween party stores with an extra-large brown bear head resting on his shoulders. Now, I don鈥檛 know if it was too hot or if that large bear head was heavier than expected, but one gets the impression the zoo worker playing the bear didn鈥檛 really study an actual bear, let alone even see how a real bear moves.
Not only was the guy walking on two legs, the way he moved was a bizarre mix of limping on an injured leg and me drunkenly stumbling around my kitchen in the middle of the night trying to make pizza rolls in the toaster.
Halfway through the video, they finally corner the 鈥渂ear.鈥� It gets down on its knees as you hear the cocking of a dart gun and actually see the barrel pointing at the 鈥渂ear,鈥� which slows down to a crawl and finally lies down on the ground either from heat exhaustion or a spinal-cord compression from the oversized head, or perhaps some convincing acting finally took place.
The other zoo employees started poking at the big bear head with a long stick before approaching it with a net, and then there鈥檚 me, who has been influenced by a number of horror movies, commenting with a mouthful of burnt pizza rolls, 鈥淭his is where the bear springs up and mauls all of them.鈥�
Sadly, no theatrics of that kind occurred, as it would have made it the funniest video of all time and would give the zoo workers greater caution if such an escape would really happen.
The video鈥檚 audio caught a few of the zoo workers talking prior to and during the capture.
My Japanese is a little rusty, but the best I can make out was:
Worker No. 1: Hey, there鈥檚 a guy in a bear suit.
Worker No. 2: Is that our guy? Why is he moving like that?
Worker No. 1: I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 him, unless there鈥檚 another zoo doing the exact same drill today or we forgot to check to see if one of those Furry conventions are in town.
Worker No. 2: Today鈥檚 the day I finally brought disgrace to my family.
So, other than a Furry convention getting a bit out of control, I can鈥檛 see the benefits of the drill when the 鈥渂ear鈥� doesn鈥檛 have one single attribute of any type of bear 鈥� I mean, even Yogi Bear would go around stealing picnic baskets and Smokey Bear would occasionally have to smack someone in the head with his shovel if they didn鈥檛 properly extinguish their camp fire.
I found it even more of a letdown when the article stated that the zoo had similar drills in the past, but for escaped lions and zebras.
I can just picture someone dressed in the Cowardly Lion costume from 鈥淭he Wizard of Oz,鈥� skipping down the street like it was the Yellow Brick Road until hitting the ground hard like he made his way into the poppy field. Then they slap him awake and paint him with black stripes for the zebra drill.
It also makes me wonder how such drills are conducted for other professions and settings like a fire (someone throws reams of red and yellow papers around an office and at people); an earthquake (people crowd into a room and jump in place while employees try to get to safety); a tornado (run an industrial fan in a building); a hurricane (the tornado drill but add water); a school lockdown (they lock the doors OK, not much imagination is required for that one), and a Furry convention riot (well, never mind, I think they鈥檝e mastered that).
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.