According to Hofmann: Happy New Year … pass the shotgun
Ah, New Year鈥檚 Day. Some call it the beginning of something new, but I consider it the end of a marathon of tradition and nostalgia for two holidays in the course of one week.
And when I refer to traditions as a marathon, I mean like a marathon in each and every town, each county, all the states, every country and across all parallel dimensions because everyone has their own traditions at this time of year, but those traditions do seem to be odder for New Year鈥檚, for some reason.
Before I go on, I think it鈥檚 best to better define what these traditions are, as they seem more like a practice of both symbolism and superstition 鈥� basically witchcraft.
I really started thinking about it after seeing a social media post that asked to share personal traditions for New Year鈥檚 Eve and/or New Year鈥檚 Day.
I might as well start with the traditions that I鈥檝e experienced with my family over the years.
The first, to me, seems universal and maybe even shared in a few parallel dimensions, and that鈥檚 eating pork on New Year鈥檚 Day.
Just writing those words brings visions of crockpots of pork loin swimming in sauerkraut.
All that I know is my dad used to say it was good luck for the first thing you eat in the New Year to be pork, but never gave an explanation of why that is.
At first, I figured it was propaganda from the pork industry to get people to buy more of their product so they can be in the black at the beginning of the year, those swines!
An internet search showed various reasons including pork being rich in fat, and fat being a sign of prosperity (unless you鈥檙e a supermodel, Hollywood actress, pop singer, television personality, etc.) or because pigs are known to always be going forward, so we might as well eat them so we can do the same (witchcraft).
That鈥檚 the only tradition I really had experienced in my life, but this one New Year鈥檚 Day at my grandfather鈥檚 house when I was a kid, my brother, my cousins and I went out into his yard and fired off shotguns. Yes, we were both encouraged by adults who also supervised us 鈥� there may have been some drinking involved on their part.
I guess the reason was to loudly celebrate the dawn of a new year much like pulling party poppers and blowing paper horns, but it didn鈥檛 turn into tradition; the SWAT team made gosh-darn sure of that.
Anyway, the other traditions I learned about included not washing your clothes to prevent washing the people out of your life; not taking down the Christmas tree before New Year鈥檚 Day because it鈥檚 bad luck; making a pretzel on New Year鈥檚 Eve for good luck; not eating chicken on New Year鈥檚 Day or you would go backwards all year; receiving money at midnight so you will have money all year; not spending any money on New Year鈥檚 Day or you鈥檒l be broke all year, and shaking your purse or wallet at the moon on midnight, but just watch out for buckshot, though.
Of course, traditions get stranger once you leave our country鈥檚 borders and see what the rest of the world does.
n In Argentina, they shred documents and throw the confetti remains out the window to symbolize leaving the past behind 鈥� or they鈥檙e disposing of evidence before the Argentinian version of the FBI and the Securities and Exchange Commission barge in.
n Denmark has a tradition where plates are smashed against doors, and the bigger the pile of shattered china on your welcome mat, the more luck you鈥檒l have in the coming year. I don鈥檛 know if they smash the plates before or after eating pork and sauerkraut.
n In Finland, they practice true witchcraft by melting pieces of metal and then throwing the molten lava into a bucket of cold water where it takes a shape that will help predict their future. I鈥檓 guessing a house fire if you鈥檙e not careful.
n Romanian farmers use New Year鈥檚 as an opportunity to talk to their livestock, believing getting a response from those animals will lead to good luck. I suspect the animals just tell them what they want to hear because it鈥檚 no coincidence farmers would name all their lambs 鈥淕yro Meat.鈥�
Oh, well, it鈥檚 time for me to stop pretending to make any sense of New Year鈥檚 traditions both foreign and domestic and accept them as they are because it鈥檚 a comforting thought that even though we鈥檙e separated by land and water and ideals and beliefs, we鈥檙e all pretty weird.
Also, no matter what you do or what you believe or how strongly you believe it, I think the most important thing this and every New Year鈥檚 Eve and New Year鈥檚 Day is having fun while doing it 鈥� that is until the SWAT team arrives.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.