According to Hofmann: Love isn鈥檛 in the toilet
I want to start the new year with an upbeat, uplifting, upheaving story to give people the feeling there鈥檚 hope on the horizon and the best of those stories are born out of what鈥檚 perceived to be an otherwise dire event.
Nothing better illustrates such a story like the one I recently read where an engagement ring was found in a toilet after 21 years.
According to various news outlets, a diamond engagement ring was discovered by a plumber who was replacing a toilet in a Florida couple鈥檚 home in December.
The scenario that played out in my mind involved a guy either getting down on one knee after a romantic dinner at the all-you-can-eat pizza and salad buffet or on the Jumbotron during a professional sporting event before the drunk above them spills beer over them when she says 鈥淚 do.鈥�
Either way, the woman finally saw the magic fade from the relationship as her man needed an emergency angioplasty from too much pizza grease at the buffet or because one of the professional athletes at the event saw her on the Jumbotron, instantly fell for her and swept her off her feet.
Either way, the end result would be the woman removing the ring, dropping it in the toilet and giving it a satisfactory flush to start her new life.
Hold on, ladies, I鈥檓 not a misogynist (I just play one the stage, the screen and the streets), and I鈥檓 sure other scenarios could also include the guy proposing, hearing 鈥淚 do鈥�, slipping on the ring and asking his newly-minted fiance to wait at the house while he and his buddies celebrate by having the earliest bachelor party in known history. Or it could be as simple as the guy proposing, slipping on a ring and also slipping her the monthly payment schedule so she could help him pay it off.
Either way, the end result would be the woman removing the ring, dropping it in the toilet and giving it a depressing flush to start her new life鈥nd eat ice cream or so I assume. I don鈥檛 know what you gals do when you get upset. I鈥檇 ask my wife, but she doesn鈥檛 talk to me because we鈥檙e 鈥渟eparated鈥� and she has a 鈥渞estraining order鈥� against me.
Anyway, back to the story.
It seems as though none of my scenarios played out as the engaged lady simply removed her ring while she was cleaning her future in-law鈥檚 bathroom and believed she accidentally gathered it up in toilet paper that was then tossed in the commode.
I found it odd that she was cleaning her future in-law鈥檚 bathroom. I mean, she must have had a horrible accident or she really connected with the man鈥檚 family for her to clean and for them to allow her to clean the bathroom, arguably the room where everyone is at their most vulnerable.
That鈥檚 why I never set foot into my wife鈥檚 parents鈥� bathroom while we were dating and always opted to go to the bathroom outside on their lawn because I鈥檓 all about respect.
Anyway, the bride-to-be realized what had happened, and you鈥檇 think that would be the end of the story, but you鈥檙e wrong.
The guy鈥檚 parents went through some above-and-beyond measures to find the ring including climbing down into the septic tank and pumping every little bit through a strainer to find it.
Again, who is this woman and what kind of magic hold does she have on people? I once opened the lid of a septic tank and fled from the smell like I was on fire.
If that wasn鈥檛 shocking enough, the couple did wind up getting married and are married to this day. I find that shocking because I have this strange idea that once an engagement ring is lost, then the engagement ends and the wedding is off like it鈥檚 a magic ring out of a Tolkien novel or something.
For Christmas, the married couple received a gift from the guy鈥檚 parents and it was, you guessed it, a set of steak knives. Nah, just kidding, it was the lost ring.
The couple told the media that once they opened the package, they immediately knew what it was鈥aybe because the parents didn鈥檛 clean the ring before wrapping it.
鈥淭hanks, mom and dad. The putrid smell mixed with toilet-bowl cleaner was a dead giveaway.鈥�
So while it wasn鈥檛 the cleanest of endings, it certainly was a happy ending. Now, some may say a ring is only a flashy piece of jewelry with a payment plan with no end in sight, but I think it鈥檚 best to keep in mind that an engagement ring as well as a wedding ring is a symbol of love and strength, to show you can stay together with the one you truly and forever love鈥o matter how much crap they go through.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.