According to Hofmann: Materials Girl
Last week, a coworker told me to take a look at a recent photo of singer Madonna 鈥� not so much to show me something, but more of a dare, like when you鈥檙e dared to stand in front of a mirror and say 鈥淐andyman鈥� five times and then he appears to bury a hook into your skull.
Sorry, I鈥檝e been reading a lot of horror lately.
Anyway, the 鈥渉ook鈥� in this case happened to be the curse/blessing of plastic surgery or rhinoplasty, if you鈥檙e an environmentalist against plastics or reconstructive surgery if you have something against rhinoceroses.
The photo of Madonna was a still image taken from a TikTok video where her lips are bugling, her eyes are half shut and her skin looks stretched to the point where she gained additional forehead space, which was further accented by having two rows of pigtails flanking it.
I found another photo of Madonna 鈥� this one a promotional shot of her in what I believe is a music video, and while she looks better than the TikTok photo, she doesn鈥檛 look like Madonna at all.
It鈥檚 like Madonna went through plastic surgery, but instead of looking like a younger old Madonna, she looked like she was entering witness protection or something.
I thought about the actress who played 鈥淩uth鈥� on the show 鈥淥zark鈥� as she鈥檚 going to play a young Madonna in an upcoming movie about her life. I have to wonder, when she makes it to Madonna鈥檚 current age, will she get plastic surgery and end up looking like a totally different version of the different version of Madonna? Perhaps that trend will continue until there鈥檚 a lineage of Madonnas.
Sorry, I鈥檝e been reading a lot of science fiction, too.
With that said, I鈥檓 not writing this column to make fun of Madonna鈥檚 looks because, heck, I have no right to make fun of anyone鈥檚 appearance, as people who know me know that I stopped caring about my looks a long time ago. Just ask my wife, who makes me wear a Tom Cruise mask whenever we go out in public.
I can鈥檛 even cast shame at the plastic-rhino-surgery-plasty industry because many people have used it as much-needed reconstructive surgery or a boost to their self-confidence and well-being.
I guess the issue I have is the obsession people have with fighting aging.
For people, especially women and even older men in the public eye, I understand they need to keep those appearances looking young to stay relevant, and that鈥檚 more of a problem with society than anything else.
So it鈥檚 no surprise that there鈥檚 going to be a nip and a tuck and a tug and a slap to parts of your body a little at a time over a period to fight The Grim Reaper 鈥� well, OK, not The Grim Reaper, but certainly his second cousin, The Grim Ager, who鈥檚 responsible for anyone subjected to the phrase, 鈥淪omeone didn鈥檛 age well,鈥� and 鈥淪he may be a witch. Light the torches!鈥�
Sorry. Horror again.
Maybe I misspoke 鈥� well, mistyped 鈥� when I miswrote that people are trying to 鈥渇ight鈥� age, as that鈥檚 impossible because, no matter what, you grow older. Perhaps that鈥檚 why they tell you to 鈥渄efy鈥� your age, which is why they have age-defying makeup, skin cream, energy serum (a real thing, I found), soap and lotion, some of which cost nearly $100 for a single tube.
If makeup, skin-care products and the miracle of energy serum are one way to defy The Grim Ager, the other age-defying practice is acting young, which is why you see your grandfather rolling up on you and your friends in his motorized scooter, but wearing a leather jacket and those big post-cataract-surgery sunglasses and saying, 鈥淲hat is up, my hep cats?鈥�
The other practice you see is older women being labeled as 鈥渃ougars鈥� and 鈥渃radle robbers鈥� as they take on a much younger beau. I鈥檓 not saying there鈥檚 anything wrong with this, as old men do the same thing, but the problem I have is I can鈥檛 imagine a cougar being the type of animal that robs a baby from the cradle.
That鈥檚 why we should consider renaming them and their male counterparts as 鈥渄ingos鈥� because they steal the babies, from what I鈥檓 told, even though I later found out that was a hoax.
But that may be my point of this whole column, that one can try and try to defy The Grim Ager, but like The Grim Reaper, it鈥檚 ultimately a losing battle; however, to save both time and money, I鈥檇 say the best way to defy aging is the old-fashioned method of, well, just lying about your age.
I mean, it鈥檚 either that or being labeled as a dingo as you stand in front of the mirror saying 鈥渆nergy serum鈥� five times.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.