According to Hofmann: To be over with sleepovers
They say a man鈥檚 home is his castle, but I鈥檓 guessing that phrase didn鈥檛 come into play before the idea of the king鈥檚 princess and princesses having sleepovers.
Then again, I imagine maybe they did have sleepovers at the castles back in those days, but they likely ended in bloodshed, as I recall from watching 鈥淕ame of Thrones.鈥�
A kid鈥檚 sleepover is the household activity that makes me not feel like I鈥檓 at home at all, as it automatically takes away my plans to walk around in my underwear and eat cheese on the recliner.
My 12-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, recently had a friend sleep over as I found out from my wife, Amber, who said, 鈥淓mma wants her friend to come over and spend the night on Friday. Is that OK?鈥�
鈥淲ell, no,鈥� I said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 not.鈥�
Amber placed her hands on her hips, narrowed her eyes at me and asked why.
鈥淯h, I have a date with underwear, cheese and my recliner. Hello?鈥�
My argument, it seemed, wasn鈥檛 persuasive enough to stop the arrangement from happening.
I mean, I don鈥檛 know what to do or how to act whenever Emma has one of her friends over the house for a few hours, let alone throughout the night and into the morning.
I believe my primary role is to throw food at them like the animals they are as they reside in Emma鈥檚 room where the closed and locked door muffles the sound of high-pitched laughter, horrid sounds of TikTok videos and random gunfire.
After expressing such confusion to Emma, she gave me specific instructions while her friend was over the house including: 1. Not embarrass her; 2. Not embarrass her, and 3. Not talk about 鈥淔ight Club,鈥� which would embarrass her.
Maybe because it鈥檚 a preteen girl staying over the house that I feel so unsure and awkward, as I鈥檓 still trying to figure out Emma, as she鈥檚 still in the excruciating transition into the teen years.
I wouldn鈥檛 trade Emma for the world, but if I had a son who had a friend over, I鈥檇 know exactly how to act and feel at total ease with planning activities.
鈥淗ey, son, and 鈥� son鈥檚 friend, let鈥檚 watch 鈥楩ight Club鈥� and eat beef jerky!鈥�
That mindset is pretty evident, too, when you take notice of the differences between mothers and fathers when the dropoff/pickup occurs for these sleepovers, as the mothers seem to talk like they鈥檙e narrating an episode of 鈥淭he Wonder Years.鈥�
Mom No. 1: 鈥淵ou know, Jessica鈥檚 siblings are so much older than her, she might as well be an only child as she feels she鈥檚 being left behind in life, but I鈥檓 so glad she found your daughter in the sea of personalities and attitudes which is elementary school.鈥�
Mom No. 2: 鈥淚 feel the same way. Darla is an only child and isn鈥檛 prone to making friends or establishing relationships, but she and your daughter were truly the beacons that they were searching for.鈥�
Mom No. 1: 鈥淚 hope they laugh together, I hope they grow together, and I hope they鈥檙e truly best friends forever.鈥�
Mom No. 2: 鈥淏est Friends forever and ever!鈥�
When it comes to fathers, the conversation is not as, let鈥檚 say, flowery.
Dad No. 1: 鈥淲ell, here鈥檚 Tommy. He already ate dinner, so you don鈥檛 need to feed him no matter how much he begs.鈥�
Dad No. 2: 鈥淵eah, not to worry. Him and Rick Jr. are going to be too busy fetching me beers all night to even want to eat.鈥�
Dad No. 1: 鈥淪ounds like a plan, and if he gets out of line, don鈥檛 be afraid to slap him in the head. Ya hear that, Tommy? I鈥檓 giving Mr. Anderson permission to punish you.鈥�
No such setup with my situation. At least Amber plans some stuff for the girls to do, getting snacks for them at the store and constantly suggesting activities for them to do.
But Emma and her friends are stubborn, and they don鈥檛 take part in Amber鈥檚 suggestions for activities as they emerge from Emma鈥檚 room to come downstairs for food, pop and to sit around and play on their phones 鈥� and the friend always manages to sit in my recliner.
In the span of 24 hours, I lost count of how many times I walked into the living room, observed the trespassing on the furniture and promptly walked out to stand in the bathroom to compose myself while trying not to 鈥渟tink it up because Emma has a friend over,鈥� as per one of the instructions to avoid embarrassment.
And then Amber has the nerve to ask me why I鈥檓 cranky and don鈥檛 want to spend time with them.
鈥淕ee, I don鈥檛 know,鈥� I said. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 watch 鈥楩ight Club,鈥� I鈥檇 have to sit on the couch like a commoner, I鈥檓 on a forced constipation, I can鈥檛 tell any dirty jokes, everything I do is an embarrassment to a 12-year-old like Emma, I need my castle back and, henceforth, I banish these girly sleepovers!鈥�
鈥淲ell, that鈥檚 OK,鈥� Amber said. 鈥淚 wonder if Emma would invite a boy to spend the night instead.鈥�
鈥淚n that case,鈥� I said, 鈥渄o you think the girls would like me to make them ice cream sundaes while they play on their phones on the recliner?鈥�
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.