According to Hofmann: Too many headlines can put you in a semicolon
I believe the phrase, 鈥渁 kid in a candy store,鈥� is what I felt when I snooped or 鈥渘ebbed鈥� around for strange articles for this week鈥檚 column.
Problem was, I found so many sweet, sweet headlines in the candy store that鈥檚 known as the internet that I found that I was at risk of slipping into the equivalent of a diabetic coma.
However, to my delight, the odd stories themselves were so short that it wouldn鈥檛 be a full coma, maybe more on the lines of risking a semi-coma 鈥� or semicolon? I get those mixed up, which is how I flunked out of medical school.
So, enjoy these sugary samplings of headlines from the world of the weird!
Headline: 鈥淓lk in Colorado rescued after ignoring warnings and falling through ice.鈥�
I had no idea the folks in Colorado had devised a warning system for elk.
How does that work? Do they put up a scarecrow resembling a mountain lion? Do they have a recording of just some guy grunting or yelling on a loop near a pond?
Well, whatever elk warning system they came up with, it didn鈥檛 work, but I鈥檓 glad to see it had a happy ending and the elk was freed 鈥� but with a warning.
Don鈥檛 ask me how they give a warning to an elk. Let鈥檚 just hope it works.
Headline: 鈥淭exas art students and their teacher display a 58-foot paper snowflake, breaking Guinness record.鈥�
Well what they say is true, everything is bigger in Texas. Now, I wonder if it鈥檚 also true that if other schools do the same project, would no two paper snowflakes be alike?
Headline: 鈥淎ustralian Watermelon Sour Beer recalled because of 鈥榚xcess alcohol鈥�.鈥�
Right off the bat, I think this story is from a tabloid down under; I have Australian relatives and believe me, no self-respecting Aussie is taking beer off the shelf, especially one with 鈥渆xcess alcohol.鈥�
Now, if that beer was recalled for any reason, it would be from some maniac brewing watermelon sour beer. You might as well suck on a watermelon-flavored piece of sour gag candy while sipping on a Pabst Blue Ribbon to get the same effect 鈥� with a bleach chaser.
Headline: 鈥淔itness enthusiast breaks Guinness World Record with 8,008 pull-ups in 24 hours.鈥�
I actually didn鈥檛 pick that headline because it grabbed my attention, sparked wonder in my soul and struck me with a sense of awe.
Quite the opposite because it鈥檚 obviously not a shock that a person who is a fitness enthusiast will most likely be the person to do over 8,000 pull-ups in 24 hours.
If you really want to grab my attention and hold it, write a headline like, 鈥淔at couch potato anti-fitness activist does 8,000 pull-ups in 24 hours 鈥� then drops dead.鈥�
Headline: 鈥淣ational Park Service warns to never push a slower friend down during a bear encounter.鈥�
Normally, this advice would bring along some kind eye roll, head shake, forehead slap and tear shed because people in our wicked society need to be reminded to not turn to evil when the chips are down.
However, I鈥檓 reminded of my cousin telling me a story of when she worked at Yellowstone (the park, not the TV show) and some tourists asked her when will the bears be placed back in their cages.
Yeah. Sometimes you need to tell people some obvious stuff.
Headline: 鈥淐hinese tech company creates remote kissing device for long-distance lovers鈥�.
So not only did the headline catch my attention, but the photo of the said device made me do a double take.
Basically, this thing is a gender-neutral closed mouth made up of gray silicone and attached to what looks like a charging port for a phone.
Well, I鈥檓 not a biology expert or an electricity expert, but I do watch a lot of television, and I know when you finally kiss the person you鈥檙e meant to be with, you鈥檙e supposed to see fireworks.
Somehow, I doubt you鈥檒l get the same results by making out with what鈥檚 essentially a power outlet.
You may see a lightning flash and then see yourself rising out of your body and into a tunnel of brilliant light where all your dead relatives tell you it鈥檚 not your time and you have to go back into your seared hunk of a body.
But there鈥檚 a bright side: You can tell your story to the love of your life or to the newspaper once you awaken from your semicolon.
According to Hofmann is written by staff reporter Mark Hofmann of Rostraver Township. His books, 鈥淕ood Mourning! A Guide to Biting the Big One鈥nd Dying, Too鈥� and 鈥淪tupid Brain,鈥� are available on Amazon.com.