Not In Vain: Mothers support group helps them cope with loss of children to overdose
From left, Karen Bennett of Harmony Life Center, with Debbie Engle, Rhonda DiBello and June Chappel, who started a support group for parents whose children died from opioid addiction. (Photo by Karen Mansfield)
Photos are the only thing June Chappel has left of her sons Cody, left, and Dave, right, both of whom passed away to opioid addiction. (Photo by Katherine Mansfield)
Sept. 12 will mark three years since Debbie Engel lost her son, Louis 鈥淒ewey鈥� Phillips Jr., to addiction. (Photo by Katherine Mansfield)
Katherine Mansfield
Katherine Mansfield
When she isn鈥檛 cross-stitching, doing crossword puzzles or spending time with her grandchildren, Debbie Engel enjoys getting lost in a good book. She reads in a chair left behind by her son Louis 鈥淒ewey鈥� Phillips Jr., who passed away three years ago due to addiction.
After losing her son Louis Phillips Jr. to opioid overdose in 2019, Debbie Engel created a memorial space to him, to help with healing. Before stepping out, Engel symbolically kisses her son good-bye, and she often greets him when she returns home. (Photo by Katherine Mansfield)
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There is no name for a parent who鈥檚 lost a child.
But there is a nickname for a local support group formed by mothers who lost their children to opioid overdose: Not In Vain.
The group was founded two years ago by three grieving moms 鈥� Rhonda DiBello, June Chappel and Debbie Engel 鈥� who felt out of place in other grief support groups.
They meet one Monday a month, informally, in DiBello鈥檚 hair salon, A Cut Above in Washington, to discuss their grief, share memories of their children, and to support each other.
鈥淲e cry in here all the time. We cry a lot,鈥� said DiBello.
DiBello lost her daughter, Melissa Moeller, on Feb. 13, 2017, at the age of 27 after an accidental overdose.
As parents, the three have a close bond forged by having loved and lost a child to addiction.
鈥淲e count on each other. We trust each other. There鈥檚 no judgment here,鈥� said Engel, whose son, Louis 鈥淒ewey鈥� Phillips Jr., died Sept. 12, 2019, following a more than 20-year battle with drug addiction. He was 42.
Chappel lost both of her sons to drug overdoses less than three years apart.
Her older son, Cody Jeffers, 32, died on Oct. 30, 2016. Her younger son, David 鈥淒avie鈥� Chappel, passed away on April 19, 2019, at the age of 29.
At the July sentencing for the drug dealer who provided the fentanyl-laced heroin that killed David Chappel and a 26-year-old woman, June delivered a victim impact statement that she had rehearsed with her Not In Vain companions.
Also during the sentencing, Karen Bennett, president of the Harmony Life Center Board of Directors, gave a statement on behalf of the Not In Vain mothers.
DiBello, Engel and Chappel never miss a monthly meeting, and since the group formed, other mothers have attended off and on. The three invite anyone interested to join them.
鈥淚f anybody wants to join, they鈥檙e more than welcome to contact us. We know exactly how things are because we鈥檝e all gone through the same thing,鈥� said Chappel. 鈥淲e tried to help our kids; we did everything we could.鈥�
The deaths of DiBello鈥檚, Chappel鈥檚, and Engel鈥檚 children are part of an ongoing opioid crisis that has impacted the country and Washington County.
Data released by the Washington County Coroner鈥檚 Office showed 106 drug-related deaths occurred in the county in 2021, the second-highest number of overdose fatalities on record.
In 2017, Moeller was among 97 people who died from opioid-related overdoses, the fourth-highest number of fatalities ever recorded in the county.
Overdose deaths have increased 39% from 2018, when 76 fatalities were reported, to 2021. In 2019, 81 deaths were recorded, and in 2020, fatal overdoses increased to 102.
Their children鈥檚 deaths 鈥� and the burden of guilt and sadness they carry 鈥� have upended the mothers鈥� lives.
Engel rarely ventures out.
鈥淚鈥檝e had people say, 鈥業f you had been a better mother, your child wouldn鈥檛 have been on drugs,'鈥� said Engel. 鈥淚鈥檝e been judged very severely. I never liked confrontation, so I just stay home.鈥�
And it鈥檚 damaged their confidence.
At a recent Not In Vain meeting, Chappel鈥檚 eyes filled with tears as she said, 鈥淚 think I鈥檓 a terrible mother. I must be. Both my sons are dead.鈥�
Engel鈥檚 son, Phillips, left behind five children who range in age 20 and 3 years old. His youngest daughter was born six weeks after he died.
鈥淢y son was the most fun, happy guy. He was the one who always made everybody laugh,鈥� said Engel. 鈥淗e was a really good cook. He loved his kids, he loved his nieces and nephews very much. But the most wonderful people, they take drugs and they turn into someone else.鈥�
When he was 21, Phillips broke his ankle on a dirt bike and was prescribed Oxycontin.
His addiction to prescription drugs led him to heroin, and he struggled to overcome his drug dependence for the next two decades, spending half of his adult life in prison. He overdosed in Washington County jail, and Engel, who was visiting her daughter in Las Vegas, Nev., flew home in time to say good-bye to him at WHS Washington Hospital.
鈥淚 think about him every day. There are always reminders,鈥� said Engel, who carries some of Phillips鈥� ashes in a necklace in remembrance of her son. 鈥淚 try to think of the happy things. Every time I talk to my oldest grandson I think of him because they have the same voice, and all five of his kids look like him. Anytime (his 3-year-old daughter) does crazy things, it makes me sad because he would have loved that.鈥�
Chappel鈥檚 sons graduated from Avella High School. Cody was a popular student who was selected as class president and prom king, and played sports. He graduated from Bethany (W.Va.) College and enrolled in Pittsburgh Institute of Aeronautics, but never attended classes there.
Chappel said Cody鈥檚 drug addiction began in college. She suspected Cody dabbled with marijuana, but didn鈥檛 know he was using cocaine until she got a $900 bill from an ambulance company because her son had been transported to a hospital after he thought he was having a heart attack from the drug.
He died in Beaver County on a drug dealer鈥檚 couch after he overdosed on pills laced with fentanyl.
Davie, the father of two young sons, was an avid outdoorsman who enjoyed hunting and fishing with his father, David W. Chappel.
He earned masonry certification and worked in the gas industry.
After Davie鈥檚 father died of cancer, though, a friend offered him heroin, and Davie spent the next eight years in and out of rehab. In March 2019, Davie was clean, but he had his wisdom teeth removed and was prescribed a painkiller. Three weeks later, he was dead, Chappel said.
鈥淓verything he did was with his dad, and when his dad died, that was the beginning of the end for Davie. I don鈥檛 think he knew how to go on without him, so he used drugs to try to cope with his pain. We tried everything to help him,鈥� said Chappel. 鈥淢y kids were good kids.鈥�
Chappel and DiBello, it turns out, experienced their children鈥檚 drug addiction together because Davie and Moeller were close friends.
鈥淭hey met through drugs, and they were pretty close. They were homeless together,鈥� said DiBello.
When DiBello and Moeller鈥檚 father divorced when Moeller was 12, she moved in with her dad who, DiBello said, was a cocaine addict.
By the time Moeller was 14, she was drinking, using marijuana, and popping prescription medications.
She started dating a man nearly twice her age, 鈥渁nd that鈥檚 when she really started getting into stuff,鈥� said DiBello. 鈥淚 tried desperately to help her. I went into drug houses not knowing if they were going to kill me, stepping over addicts lying on the floor, but you don鈥檛 care. I was looking for my daughter.鈥�
The Not In Vain moms all are actively involved in helping raise their grandchildren.
鈥淲e do it for our grandbabies,鈥� said DiBello, who has custody of her grandson, Preston Robison, 13.
She calls Robison 鈥渕y blessing for losing my daughter.鈥�
For the past five years, Robison has operated a lemonade stand and donates the money he raises to organizations that help people with addiction and recovery.
Not In Vain moms participated in International Overdose Awareness Day on Aug. 31, held by the Washington County Opioid Overdose Coalition in collaboration with the Washington Wild Things to honor the lives of loved ones who have died as a result of substance abuse.
The women have a mission 鈥� they want to share with other moms everything they have learned about navigating the systems in place, and to connect them with agencies and organizations that might help them. And they want to provide a shoulder to lean on, wherever parents are on their grief journey.
Said Engel, I don鈥檛 think the sadness, the rawness ever goes away, losing a child like that. The senselessness, it鈥檚 hard. That wound doesn鈥檛 heal. Anything good or bad, we can talk about here.鈥�
Chappel agreed.
鈥淲ell, we鈥檙e still here, stronger than ever. Been through it,鈥� said Chappel. 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 think you can go through it and make it, but you do. We have.鈥�