Coping with pain of rejection
Q. Where are all my school friends? Summer is moving along quickly, and I feel abandoned. I try to connect but they ghost me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I did anything wrong, although I do know my friends are known to exclude other girls. I’ve seen that happen. I just didn’t think it would happen to me. My mom says girls my age have always been mean to each other. She said it was like that when she was a kid. Do you think she’s right? Mom told me to watch “Mean Girls.” I did, it didn’t make me feel any better. Part of what I’m feeling is disappointed at myself. When I saw my friends treat other girls with isolation, I never spoke up. I should have. What do I do now? – 13-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Now, you continue reflecting on your own actions, continue growing as a person, seek out other friendships, and enjoy the rest of your summer. Let’s talk.
What I hear from you is not only the disappointment you mention, in yourself and in your friends, but also maturity. You spoke with your mom. Reaching out to her for wisdom and advice is wise. You wrote to me. Seeking support is always a good move. You’re reflecting on your own role in ostracizing others. Self-reflection is an important step for adulthood.
I also hear your sorrow. Abandonment hurts. Your feelings are valid and real. Continue talking with your mom. I’d like to offer you two insights: Some background on the social dynamics of young people your age, and some ideas for making new friends.
First, you ask me if your mom is right – have girls your age always acted toward one another in a mean way? I’m honored to teach Educational Psychology at Washington & Jefferson College. I’ve often assigned my students the book, “Odd Girl Out,” by Rachel Simmons. In the book, Simmons examines the exact phenomenon you’re describing – middle school girls using social aggression to control others and obtain/hold onto social power. Her research shows girls are more likely to form cliques and treat other girls poorly, using social media, social experiences, and removal of friendships. The movie to which you refer,”Mean Girls,” was actually based on another book, “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and other Realities of Adolescence,” by Rosalind Wiseman. Tina Fey used the book as inspiration for the screenplay for “Mean Girls.”
Knowing you’re not alone may help, but it doesn’t ease the pain of rejection, which leads me to my second point: Make new friends. I was a Girl Scout leader for 13 years, so the song “make new friends and keep the old…” is an earworm if I think of it! An easy place to make friends is our Common Ground Teen Center in Washington. All teens are welcome. Our guidelines model kindness, and we do not tolerate bullying of any kind. We’re open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m., and we’re located at 92 N. Main St. The next two weeks are our summer camps, so we’re open in the daytime and closed in the evening. You or your mom can email me for registration.
I love the way you’ve internalized this experience to think of others. Going forward, try to avoid being a passive bystander when you witness poor treatment of other girls. Be a good friend. Connect with people who share common interests. Treat others with kindness and model respect. Good luck – I hope to see you at the Teen Center!
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.