Should teen delay starting college?
Q. I have a question that you may not have an answer for, but my mom reads your column every week and she said maybe you could give me perspective. Evidently you taught her. I hope that doesn’t make you feel old! The problem is my gramma. She was my primary parent. My mom had addiction challenges (she said it was okay to share that, I asked), and for most of my childhood, my gramma took care of me. My mom’s been in and out of rehab and has been doing very well for about 3 years. I last saw my dad when I was a toddler. I don’t remember him. So, it was my grandparents who took care of me always. My grampa died last year. My gramma lives with us, and I love being able to give back a little of what she gave me. What complicates the situation is that she has dementia. Most of the time she doesn’t know us. She’s bright and she can fake it some, and talk with me, but then her thoughts scatter and she doesn’t know what we were talking about or who I am. It’s not fair. She’s been such a good person. Anyway, that’s not my question. I graduate soon. I’ve been accepted to a good college, and my finances are all arranged. I was able to get a lot of scholarships. My mom says it’s time for us to find a safe place for my gramma. Right now, you can’t leave her alone. We have a home health aide that helps some days, but my mom and I do the bulk of her care. I want to put off college and stay home and care for her. My mom says I can’t do that, it would hurt me in the long run. I don’t see that. What’s the difference if I start college this year or 5 years from now? I would be happy if my gramma lived another five years. What do you think? Thanks. – 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Your situation with your gramma makes me feel deeply for you. You’re right, it isn’t fair. It’s obvious you love her. I’m sure she loves you as well. Your questions are mature ones and your unselfish response to your gramma’s needs make me very proud. You are an outstanding person of great worth. It’s lovely that your mom remembers me. I’ve taught for 55 years, so I know I’m old!
To your question; Dementia affects the brain’s ability to store and retrieve memories. It may change mood or behavior. Your gramma’s brain has stopped working the way it did. Dementia makes it hard for people to remember things, solve problems, and even recognize people they love. Dementia is a disease, not a choice, so it’s important to remember your gramma cannot control her memories or even any change in her behavior. Some moments a person living with dementia may seem like themselves, while other times they may be confused or forgetful. There are many causes of dementia, and some are progressive, which means the affected person’s memory worsens over time.
You’re doing exactly what is best for your gramma. Continue showing your love and respect. It may be helpful to identify yourself to her when you first walk into her space. Say your name and tell her you’re her grandson. Be kind and give her dignity. Honor her and remember your past with her.
As to your dilemma, only you can make this decision. It’s your life. I hear your mom’s concern. Taking a break before college is complicated. The finances and scholarships you’ve carefully arranged may not be deferrable. Please ask your funders. Returning to academic work after a long break can be challenging, but many people have successfully accomplished it. Be honest with yourself. Do you think you’ll have the strength to return?
In my opinion, the bottom line is simple: what would your gramma want you to do if she could decide? It sounds as if she prioritized your well-being all your life. I think she would want you to continue your education. Remember, you can still be part of her life. You can visit often, you can send her packages, you can talk to her caregivers even daily if you want.
Good luck with your decision. Congratulations on graduation. Your gramma raised a good person.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.