Orville Redenbacher, Here I Come
听
When I finish writing this, I’m heading to Washington, D.C.
I’m going to be among the first in line to greet the “Next Generation of Conservatives” who’ll be arriving at this year’s CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) gum-beating convention. On second thought, I think I’ll stay home. I’m allergic to hot-air.
“America’s Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives” is the theme of the three day event that get’s underway on March 14.
Here is just a partial list of the “Next Generation” of conservatives who’ll be in the spotlight: ex-failed presidential candidate Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), ex-failed vice presidential candidate Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), ex-failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney, ex-failed presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, ex-failed U.S. senatorial candidate Carly Fiorina, recently defeated Florida Rep. Allen West and ex-failed vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin (R-Outer Limits).
They all have two things in common. They’re all Republicans, and none of them got more votes than Democrats in the races they ran in. So much for a repackaged Republican Party, with fresh new ideas. All we can expect are three days of whining about the evils of Democrats in general, and of President Obama in particular.
We’ll also get a chance to see NRA mouthpiece, Wayne LaPierre, spout some incendiary rhetoric, for which he’ll later claim was misinterpreted.
He really didn’t mean the president’s children, with their Secret Service protection, are part of some “elitist” plot to free hard-working Americans from their guns, did he?
Oh, there will be a few younger, fire-breathing conservatives who’ll take the CPAC stage.
Florida Rep. Marco Rubio will speak and make some reference to that awkwardly hilarious post-State of the Union leap for a water bottle; Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush just might continue to defend his brother’s unpopular presidency; and Tea Party favorite, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, might make some statement that’ll help call into question his suitability to hold any public office.
But the biggest names will be political dinosaurs (Santorum, Romney, Palin, Gingrich and West) who Republicans are hoping will not bring rise to more charges that they’re contributors to (and this is directly from one of the “Next Generation of Conservatives”) Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s “stupid party.” I don’t hold out much hope. Especially since a tug-of-war has been taking place in the Republican Party since the presidential election.
The Tea Party (or what’s left of it) and Rand Paul want Republicans to move to the right, while more moderate Republican voices (Jindal and Jeb Bush) want the party to move closer to the middle.
We just might be in for scuffles at CPAC over who really is the heart-and-soul of the Republican Party. I’ve got my Orville Redenbacher “Movie Theatre Butter” ready, and I can’t wait for that to happen.
Mitt Romney, who might take the CPAC stage as a conquering hero, will take his bows, and then try, once again, to justify his pitiable performance in November. Hopefully he’s figured out that his pitiable performance started the moment he declared his candidacy.
Ditto Sarah Palin. It’s only been four years and four months since she helped John McCain dash all hopes of ever becoming president. She’ll get a standing ovation; issue a few cheap shots, along with some malformed sentences, and the old Republican guard will swoon. Even if she’s become the high priestess of the “Last Generation of Conservatives,” she’ll have them fainting in the aisles. I’m getting the vapors just thinking about it.
There’ll be no shortage of panels, speeches and roundtable discussions at CPAC this year.
Stuff like, “Lessons They Have Learned and We Haven’t: The Europeanization of America,” yawn. And “CSI Washington, D.C.: November 2012 Autopsy.” Wake me up when that one’s over.
But the oddest listing I found was near the end of the event. “Ten Conservatives Under 40” is listed on the final day.
I know the Republican Party has problems attracting young people, but only 10 conservatives? Right below those event listings, they usually name the participants. But under that one, all I see is TBA (To Be Announced).
Oh, Oh!
Edward A. Owens is a three-time Emmy Award winner and 20-year veteran of television news. Email him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net