Finding cures you don’t seek
I was just minding my own business last Saturday morning.
At least I thought I was.
I happened to be watching one of those public affairs/newsmaker programs on a certain cable news network when they broke for commercials (12 of them lasting five solid minutes).
Yet, it wasn鈥檛 the number of commercials that caught my attention. It was their nature that piqued my interest.
Ten out of 12 of them were health-related.
First, there was a spot for Neutrogena鈥檚 鈥淗ydro Boost formula for that healthy skin glow.鈥�
That鈥檚 for people who believe having a 鈥渉ealthy skin glow鈥� is something to which they aspire.
Next, there was a short ad from Abbott (Laboratories) about getting help for an irregular heartbeat.
There was a brief spot for Viking Cruises, which was a welcome respite from the medical-related commercials that came before and after it.
That was followed by a woman singing the praises of Dulcolax Laxative, because, among other things, it鈥檚 鈥済reat tasting.鈥�
A commercial for Stelara came next.
It鈥檚 a medication for the treatment of Crohn鈥檚 Disease (an inflammatory bowel disease).
Then, there was a quick spot for a Pedialyte hydration drink. I gathered from the commercial it鈥檚 good for people who run around and stop to take a swig of the stuff.
Do you see a pattern emerging?
I鈥檓 a fairly suggestible person.
After a series of these spots, I started thinking I may need to set up an appointment to get my health back in order.
At this point, they wedged in a few seconds about a money management firm.
I wasn鈥檛 the least bit interested in it. But I did feel a sense of relief that they weren鈥檛 trying to shove some pills down my throat.
Next came another Neutrogena spot. Unlike the first Neutrogena spot, this one was about some sort of 鈥渞apid repair cream.鈥�
It鈥檚 for people who might think, 鈥淨uick! I need to repair my skin, rapidly,鈥� I suppose.
I鈥檓 having some difficulty trying to explain the next ad that followed in the series.
It was for a website that specializes in pointing people in the direction of help for their (supposed) Peyronie鈥檚 Disease (PD). I can only say that women don鈥檛 have that particular malady.
All of the bad puns in the world won鈥檛 allow me to explain what it is here.
By now, I was hoping that the array of ads would, mercifully, end. That the show would resume before I might be tempted to call a paramedic.
Fat chance.
They immediately ran an ad for an app that tests the glucose levels of diabetics.
That was followed by Bactine, which is supposed to help you with those 鈥渂oo-boo鈥� problems, with its 鈥淎dvanced healing +Scar Defense鈥� properties.
I had the urge to shout, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 get 鈥榖oo-boos鈥� anymore.鈥�
I鈥檓 in my 70s.
They weren鈥檛 listening.
They never do.
Because they still weren鈥檛 finished.
They wound up their torturous block of spots with one for the over-the-counter medication Garlique, which the actress claims helps her maintain a healthy blood pressure level.
Ironically, that woman who appeared in the Garlique ad is the very same woman who appeared in that Dulcolax laxative commercial, and who was happy about how 鈥済reat tasting鈥� that laxative is.
Whoever she is, I鈥檓 betting she鈥檚 probably pretty healthy.
Unfortunately, for me, after five minutes of that barrage of medications, I wanted to run to the nearest pharmacy and buy out the place.
I鈥檇 been watching CNN. But I鈥檓 sure there are viewers of other cable news networks who suffer the same kinds of nonstop messaging.
Over at FOX News, the treatments are all prescribed by their nighttime hosts, who believe there鈥檚 something wrong with America, and that the only cure is Donald Trump.
Their persistence is so straight-faced and enthusiastic, that many of their viewers are powerless to apply common sense to it.
I refused to fall under the spell of those endless ads.
But sadly, those folks have fallen under the spell of Trump and his eager enablers.
Edward A. Owens is a multi-Emmy Award winner, former reporter, and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, and 40-year TV news and newspaper veteran. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net.