The Great Owens Family Mask Mandate
I came here today to discuss 鈥淭he Great Owens Family Mask Mandate of 2021.鈥�
It is as follows: You must be wearing a mask when you knock on the Owens family door on Oct. 31. PERIOD. Full stop.
I don鈥檛 care if you鈥檙e dressed as Spiderman, Superman, a Witch, or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz 鈥� wear a doggone mask.
Note: If you come dressed as the Lone Ranger 鈥� two masks.
If you don鈥檛, you won鈥檛 be able to get any of our stale, overpriced candy corn.
I know this could tick off some of you parents who鈥檙e dead set against masks. I鈥檝e even seen videos of some irate parents down in Florida recently during a heated school board meeting.
One parent emphatically said, 鈥淲e don鈥檛 want masks on our kids. It鈥檚 pointless.鈥�
Well, I beg to differ. Halloween masks work. They鈥檙e perfect for shielding the true identities of ghouls, goblins, and, unfortunately, bank robbers.
I鈥檝e noticed recently there鈥檝e been pitched 鈥渁nti-mask鈥� battles.
They鈥檙e a pleasure to behold (if at a safe distance) because they鈥檝e become so preposterous.
There鈥檚 a video clip of one well-meaning Florida woman who insists, 鈥淵ou are robbing these kids of their developmental rights in terms of education. Are you educators? Don鈥檛 you know that?鈥�
I鈥檓 pretty certain those folks are educators. But I鈥檓 not sure if they know, by wearing a medically approved mask, it鈥檚 鈥渞obbing kids of their developmental rights.鈥�
I don鈥檛 even know what that means. Nor do I think the woman who asked those questions knows it either.
There鈥檚 also a report that one man stood during one school board meeting鈥檚 comment session and claimed that 鈥渨earing a mask in school stunts the growth of kids with the result that they will get smaller and smaller over time.鈥�
I might be mistaken, but school-age children grow in many cases. They rarely shrink. Masks don鈥檛 cause that.
By now, I suppose you鈥檙e saying, 鈥淲ell, you鈥檙e confusing medical masks with Halloween masks.鈥�
No, I鈥檓 not. I know the difference. Little (but growing) people wear Superman costumes, and they wear one kind of mask. Little people whom we love and would do anything to protect them from sickness 鈥� wear those other kinds of masks.
So there.
I鈥檓 also mandating that all football players wear face masks because we all should try to have and maintain as many teeth as possible.
For some reason masking football players just seems right, doesn鈥檛 it?
All of this falderal about masking didn鈥檛 have to happen.
All it took was a certain ex-president to scoff at wearing masks, and his millions of exuberant followers obliged.
Nowadays in America, mask-wearing means different things to different people.
If you willingly wear one, there鈥檚 a fair chance you voted for Joe Biden, and are a Democrat. If not, well, I鈥檓 guessing you鈥檙e a Donald Trump-supporting Republican.
That鈥檚 not always a hard and fast rule.
Down in Florida, though, it鈥檚 pretty close to being one. Because they have Trump鈥檚 mini-me governor, Ron DeSantis.
He鈥檚 declared war on mask mandates. If any local school board mandates masks, he鈥檚 threatened to hold the payments of school administrators.
Several school boards have pressed ahead with mask mandates anyway.
It鈥檚 turned into a colossal, national spectacle.
Especially since most (6 out of 10) Floridians are actually in favor of schools that require masks.
DeSantis is honing his bullying skills for his expected Trump-like run for the presidency.
He won鈥檛 relent.
There鈥檚 even been a rise in the number of hospitalizations in the state, and an increase in cases among children.
Gov. DeSantis chalks that up to there being more testing 鈥� not more sickness.
A questionable claim, to be sure. 鈥淚 actually think it鈥檚 going down in school-aged kids. It鈥檚 just that they鈥檙e testing so much that the numbers are being held. But the percent positive, I do think, is going down,鈥� he鈥檚 announced.
In several Republican-run southern states (Texas, Georgia, and of course Florida), mask mandates are considered to be the work of heathens.
Why?
Edward A. Owens is a multi-Emmy Award winner, former reporter, and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, and 40-year TV news and newspaper veteran. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net.