The most important announcement of my life
After serious consultations with my family, I鈥檝e arrived at the following conclusion: This is the formal announcement of my intention to run for the office of governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
I truly believe the people of this commonwealth need me and my unique skillset.
While I鈥檒l run as a liberal, I will not run as a Democrat. Nor as a Republican.
I will be running as a member of the Satireian Party.
I already have the much-needed support of my party (financially, and morally).
I鈥檝e formed a campaign committee comprised of experienced political campaign veterans.
We鈥檝e developed a campaign strategy that, if successful, will bring about positive results for every Pennsylvanian.
It is a simple plan.
HERE IT IS!
I will put an absolute end to robocalls in the state of Pennsylvania.
FULL STOP!
I have employed a group of technological masterminds who assure me that they are in possession of the solution to the ever-growing problem of robocalling telemarketers.
The method and means employed to break the backs of those money-grubbing, annoying, unsolicited, fast-talking scoundrels have been tried and successful in other parts of the world. Just not yet in Pennsylvania.
We have the key.
For the price of a vote for governor, you can help put a stop to them right here 鈥� right now.
No more 鈥淐ard Services鈥� calls; bogus car warranty calls; phony utility bill calls; or fake Microsoft help desk calls 鈥� all with accents of men who sound suspiciously like the inhabitants of India.
(Not really that suspicious 鈥� that鈥檚 where most of them are from.)
I鈥檒l put a stop to every single one of them.
You won鈥檛 have to bother putting your name on any of those 鈥淒o Not Call鈥� lists that don鈥檛 seem to work anymore, anyway.
No lists. But no robocalls, either.
I do have one caveat. That is, the head of my 鈥淎nti-Robocall Unit鈥� must be a white male.
I know you might think that a Black female might be better-suited for the job.
But a white male is my choice.
I expect some people to angrily balk at my selection.
I do know there鈥檚 never been a single white male, out of the 7,000 department heads in state history.
So, I鈥檒l go ahead and appoint one. (I鈥檓 not that good with facts. So go with me on this one.)
People can think of it as being like ladies鈥� nights at bars.
Face it, no males (Black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or none of the above) ever complained about those.
It鈥檒l take just a little effort to make things fair and equitable.
So, I want my pick for the complete abolition of the robocall to be a white male.
There鈥檚 never been an Anti-Robocall Unit, so I can鈥檛 imagine a Black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or none of the above, all bent out of shape 鈥� claiming a white male isn鈥檛 qualified for the job.
Nobody is.
It鈥檚 brand new.
Give him a chance.
He鈥檒l be my Jackie Robinson of the Anti-Robocall Unit.
I鈥檓 sure there will be lawsuits.
I don鈥檛 mind.
My newly appointed Black female assistant attorney general will handle those.
She鈥檚 exceptionally qualified for that job.
I鈥檓 pretty sure you鈥檒l agree with me on that.
Let鈥檚 face it, getting rid of scammers will be a tall task.
They seem to be everywhere these days.
On your telephone. In your email. In your mailbox.
I鈥檓 going all-in on ridding them of our lives.
All I need is just one white male.
STRIKE THAT!
All WE need is one white male.
We can all be fortunate to have somebody who can ensure that our evenings will be scammer-free.
There鈥檚 an estimate that there were an average of 159 robocalls a day in the United States in 2021.
(It felt like I got 158 million of them myself.)
That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 thinking we could all need a break.
Don鈥檛 you agree?
Just put your faith and your vote behind me 鈥� Al Owens 鈥� at the ballot box.
Edward A. Owens is a multi-Emmy Award winner, former reporter, and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, and 40-year TV news and newspaper veteran. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net.