Elves can be devilish
Elves are mystical, diminutive humanlike creatures, who oftentimes have mystical powers.
Elves have a prominent, mythical place in Scandinavian cultures, known for their impish, malicious, and playfully naughty activities.
Of course, most folks associate elves as the hard-working, happy-go-lucky denizens of Santa Claus鈥� work shop in the North Pole.
(Which, by the way, is smack dab in the middle of Scandinavia.)
Every so often, without Santa or the Mrs. aware, the devilish side of elves gushes forth and mayhem, not publicized of course, ensues.
With that picture in mind, let yourself be transported to the mansion amidst the frozen environs of the north (at least for the moment, given the global warming situation and all).
Santa and the wife are taking a long winter鈥檚 nap in preparation for the big day, so the elves came out to play.
Santa鈥檚 house in the North Pole is 鈥渨ired,鈥� so he鈥檚 updated the whole letters to Santa electronically. Now, if you have a home computer, you are painfully aware that the threat of viruses or hackers is always there.
Little does Santa know the threat is 鈥渉omegrown.鈥� Elves will be elves and letters to Santa will be altered.
Shifty takes the lead, of course. (Poor fella. His parents set his future in place with a name like that.)
Shifty gathers the elves on a rare break in toy making. Some to stand guard in the office, others to keep an eye out that Santa鈥檚 sleep is deep.
Shifty piles several pillows on Santa鈥檚 desk chair and climbs into position, turning on the computer. The sign-in screen pops up and Shifty 鈥渢he hacker鈥� goes to work.
鈥淗mm, what would old fatso use as his user name and password?鈥� he asks himself.
His tiny fingers punch in characters and he鈥檚 in on the first attempt.
鈥淩udolph 鈥� red nose 鈥� crafty, Santa, crafty,鈥� Shifty says aloud.聽
鈥淗uh?鈥� a nearby voice blurts out.
鈥淣o, not you Crafty. I was just saying 鈥� oh, never mind, go back to making your paper snowflakes and reindeer,鈥� responded Shifty.
Shifty turns his attention back to the computer screen.聽
鈥淯mm, where is the folder? Oh, there it is,鈥� Shifty says to himself proudly. 鈥淟etters to Santa.鈥�
Just then the uneasy silence was broken with a crash. 鈥淲hat the 鈥�,鈥� Shifty trailed off.
He turned around to see what caused the calamity.
鈥淔igures,鈥� mutters Shifty. 鈥淗ermey! Tipsy!鈥�
(Seems Hermey鈥檚 mission to become a dentist was not received well, so he turned to the bottle to kill the pain of failure. He found a companion in misery in Tipsy, who knew where Santa kept the peppermint schnapps.)
鈥淗ey, Squinty, he still asleep?鈥� asked Shifty. 鈥淵ep,鈥� Squinty said between blinks.
鈥淥kay, let鈥檚 see. Who鈥檚 first?鈥� Shifty asked himself.
Eldrick Woods 鈥� 鈥淲ho鈥檚 he kiddin鈥�? So, what does Tiger want?鈥� 鈥� 鈥淒ear Santa, Guess you know I鈥檝e had a tough stretch. I鈥檇 like a new set of clubs that hit the perfect shot every time and a knee brace that doesn鈥檛 show through my body-hugging slacks. Thanks. Merry Christmas.鈥� 鈥� 鈥淣o, that鈥檚 not what you want for Christmas,鈥� whispered Shifty. 鈥淗ow about, (highlight, replace) I鈥檇 like for Jordan Spieth to grab all the headlines and have all the swing coaches I鈥檝e fired come to a party to remind me where I messed up.鈥�
Shifty smiled smugly and then looked to the next letter.
Peyton Manning 鈥� 鈥淭his should be fun,鈥� said Shifty. 鈥� Dear SC, Peyton here. I would like a new pair of shoes to protect my aging feet and a gift certificate to a massage parlor for my shoulder and arm. 鈥� 鈥淣ah, you don鈥檛 want that. Let鈥檚 try 鈥� I would like a fancy press conference to announce my retirement and a wool cap to keep my head warm during Denver winters.鈥�
鈥淗ey, this is fun!鈥� exclaimed Shifty. 鈥淲hy haven鈥檛 I thought of this before?鈥�
Pittsburgh Penguins 鈥︹�漈his should be interesting.鈥� 鈥� Dear Santa, We want another Stanley Cup. Thanks, the Boys of Winter. 鈥� 鈥淩i-i-i-ight.鈥� 鈥� How about 鈥� Dear Santa, Please wrap up a coach that will give us a quick kick in the rear and rumors we鈥檒l all be moved to other teams if we don鈥檛 shape up. The fans have spoken.鈥�
Tom Brady 鈥� 鈥淥h, dear lord. What else could he want?鈥� 鈥� Hey buddy, loved the last party! Tell the Mrs. the food was great! Guess you read all about that problem I had earlier in the year, so how about a pump and a pressure gauge, and a new cellphone. I keep busting mine, somehow. A healthy running back and wide receiver would be appreciated, too!鈥� 鈥� 鈥淢an, I鈥檓 going to enjoy this!鈥� 鈥� Hey Fatty, I attached a cook book for your wife. Assuming she can read, suggest she give it a try. I鈥檓 still burping up those walrus fritters! Other than that, what else could I want?鈥�
鈥淗ey, he鈥檚 stirring!鈥� alerted Squinty.
鈥淥kay, one more,鈥� said Shifty. 鈥淗mmm, who will it be? Wait, I don鈥檛 see his name. Maybe I should write a letter for him.鈥�
鈥淵es, I will do that,鈥� a proud Shifty said. 鈥淒ear Santa, I鈥檝e seen the commercials and understand you鈥檙e a big NBA fan. Time and years have taken their toll on me. I know I haven鈥檛 been the nicest guy, but anyway can you see to it that I end things on a positive, fun note? Thanks, Kobe Bryant.鈥澛�
鈥淨uick, one more.鈥� 鈥� Dear Santa, Would you please remind all the folks to remember those who need someone, or those who are far away from home in service to America? A kind thought or a short note (and probably something sweet) would surely be appreciated. I鈥檓 sure everyone knows somebody. A simple smile could do wonders. Thanks.鈥�
Shifty smugly smiled to himself as he shut down the computer and gathered up his accomplices, including the intoxicated pair of Tipsy and Hermey, to return to their toy-making responsibilities.
On behalf of the 缅北禁地 sports department, hopes for a wonderful Christmas, free of computer-hacking elves. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Jim Downey can be reached at jdowney@heraldstandard.com