FIFA: I’m ready to take charge
Poor Sepp Blatter.
Elected one day to another term, and then heading for the hills, or, more appropriately, the Swiss Alps, the next.
Sepp Blatter 鈥� doesn鈥檛 that sound like a soap opera name?
鈥淣o, Sepp, I am your twin brother, Zepp, and I will not allow you to drag the good Blatter name through the mud!鈥�
Blatter鈥檚 election as the top dog in FIFA has the distinct deja vu of Richard Nixon winning a second term 鈥� although Blatter was on the verge of his fifth term. (Betcha Nixon鈥檚 envious, the man who wanted the presidency for a little while longer.)
Nixon resigned a little bit further into his second term than Blatter has, but, with that nasty Watergate scandal hanging around, what was 鈥淭ricky Dick鈥� to do?
Allow me to be the first to dub this international soccer scandal, 鈥淔IFAgate.鈥� Why? Cause that鈥檚 what we do here in America. Take a scandalous activity, say taking air out of footballs so your all-World QB can grip them more efficiently, and throw a 鈥�-gate鈥� at the end.
Blatter bailing has the stink of avoiding jail time, a good idea for someone in his Social Security years, although his official explanation was he did not 鈥渉ave a mandate from the entire world of football (i.e., soccer) 鈥� the fans, the players, the clubs, the people who live, breathe and love football.鈥�
(Nice to see the U.S. Attorney General鈥檚 office is on the job with the corruption and racketeering. Now, maybe they can look into the TSA problems and organized crime.)
Now, what is the governing body of the universe鈥檚 most-wonderful sport to do? How does it perform a 鈥渃leansing鈥� as a means to detox its problems away?
Well, say, it could hire somebody like me. Yep, little old me. I have a post-secondary degree (okay, an M.A. in history, but who鈥檚 checking?) and 20 years on the job here at the 缅北禁地.
I now know after extensive research that FIFA stands for 鈥淔茅d茅ration Internationale de Football Association.鈥� I understand the object is, as all sports with a net and ball (or puck), to either get the ball into the net or keep it out. Both teams field 10 players and a goaltender, and cherry-picking (i.e., offsides) is forbidden. Only the goalie is allowed to use his hands (in a restricted area) and the games are, like, 90 minutes long (plus added time for unnecessary scoring celebrations and 鈥渞olling about the pitch鈥� to sell an injury).
(I just translate sports like soccer into basketball, makes it easier for me.)
Why am I qualified? Well, I鈥檝e never held any type of office and never ran anything (outside of a classroom or basketball team). I know very few rich, influential people and I come from humble, immigrant American stock.
I don鈥檛 need a cane or any type of walking assistance (just yet) and have, fortunately, my hair.
So, again I ask, why am I qualified?
I鈥檓 not. That鈥檚 why I鈥檓 perfect for the job! FIFA could double my salary (which I bet is a lot less than Blatter鈥檚 pulling in), give me a work-specific smart phone, and pony up the government rate for mileage for the Sonata. Throw in a 10-year guarantee on the job (the clean up will take at least the better part of a decade) to get me to retirement, and I鈥檓 yours!
I鈥檇 station my headquarters in Fayette County. A boon to the local economy 鈥� and who outside of western Pennsylvania would be able to find it?, so no worries about graft and corruption! I can see it now 鈥� a Tri-State (Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia) World Cup in 2026!
FIFA鈥檚 problems are deep, far deeper than an non-prescription detox cleanser can handle. I might not be the man, but if the sport truly belongs to the world, then someone outside the cadre of federations must be elected to clean it up.