What if sports announcers called every day events?
A few years ago my sister Lori thought a bird feeder would me a perfect Mother鈥檚 Day gift for our mom.
Lori got that one right because Mom gets hours and hours of enjoyment watching nature unfold in her backyard. The feeder is shaped like a small porch swing, which hangs from a Rose of Sharon that is indestructible.
(The Rose of Sharon, one of my dad鈥檚 favorites, has been situated in the same spot since my memory allows. It just won鈥檛 die. I cut it back and new branches continue to sprout. The last snowmageddon we had bent the branches beyond 180 degrees to the ground, and yet, after the snow melted, bingo, back to normal.)
The backyard nature preserve was augmented a couple years ago with a bird bath, but, I digress.
My mom鈥檚 fascination with the real-time nature documentary out the window is one she鈥檚 willing to share, daily. She talks about 鈥� and is fascinated with 鈥� the 鈥減ecking order鈥� of the neighborhood birds (the freeloaders, as I prefer to call them) as they fight for their share of the seed.
That got me to thinking one day 鈥� what if out-of-work play-by-play announcers and color commentators called every day, normal things around the neighborhood, so 鈥�
鈥� WWE guys calling the activity at the bird feeder.
The curtain rises (the sun鈥檚 up) and the ring (the feeder) is already abuzz with tag-team activity. The 鈥渃hirpers鈥� (wrens and chickadees) attack the ring first, but it鈥檚 not coordinated and there鈥檚 a lot of in-fighting as they rotate in and out of the ring, not able to get the pin and control of the ring as they consistently tag out.
Wait, there鈥檚 a development outside the ring (on the shed roof). The 鈥淐oo-ers鈥� (mourning doves) have arrived! The male tags in and the chirpers scatter! The dove takes up the entire feeder, allowing no room for the chirpers to sneak in, but they lurk outside the ring as they glean the seeds on the ground in the meantime. Look out! One of the chirpers sneaked under the ropes and grabbed some feed.
It鈥檚 been a quiet afternoon as we approach the dinner hour .. but activity returns with the 鈥淩eds鈥� (Mr. & Mrs. Cardinal) taking turns in the ring. The chirpers seem satisfied for a draw, sneaking in a mouthful of seed around the Reds. That is, until the Coo-ers return to mix it up again!
鈥� I鈥檝e been riding my bike almost daily the past month or so. What if veterans Phil Liggett and Bob Roll called my 鈥淰isite du quartier,鈥� or Tour of the Neighborhood. (I don鈥檛 speak French. I googled an English to French translation thing.)
Phil: Welcome to Day, umm, I don鈥檛 know what day it is. It鈥檚 just another ride on the course.
Bob: Right you are Phil. We鈥檙e not really sure what today鈥檚 course entails because Jim Downey doesn鈥檛 know when he puts his feet in the stirrups. Because of the 鈥渟eat-of-his-pants鈥� approach when he sits atop his bike, the course is not closed, meaning he must deal with traffic (automobile and pedestrian/dog/baby buggies), stop signs, and 鈥済utter garbage鈥� (nails, broken glass, tree limbs, mud) that collects along the curb because of recent rains. Today鈥檚 course is not expected to include the YRT because Jim doesn鈥檛 feel like handling the two-mile round trip to gain access to the trail.
Phil: Today鈥檚 conditions are not the optimum for Jim Downey, who prefers warmer temperatures and less breeze. Also, fresh-mown lawns and blowning-around pollen create another layer of breathing issues for today鈥檚 feature rider with allergies. He seems to be pushing the same pace as he has the days before, taking advantage on the downhills, pushing the speed as much as he dare with ever-present potholes, collected gravel and traffic, trying to maintain the uphills and pushing the flats ..
Bob: Excuse me Phil, but we have developing story. Our drone coverage (provided by Jim Downey鈥檚 imagination) shows a near incident about 30 minutes into today鈥檚 course. It seems just as Jim was regaining his cadence after a four-way stop sign, he nearly collided with a pair of squirrels that were chasing one another across the street. He was able to avoid any incident and picked up his speed by the end of the block.
(By the way, the squirrel incident actually happened. I鈥檓 picking up speed on a flat stretch of the neighborhood after a four-way stop when, out of nowhere, these two squirrels, siblings I鈥檓 guessing, come flying into the street. Without looking both ways, mind you. Where are the parents? I鈥檓 doing the physics in my brain and it鈥檚 looking like something bad is about to happen with the trail squirrel. However, my brakes slowed my momentum enough and the trail squirrel espied my approach and did an abrupt U-turn to avert a one-bike pileup. A nightmarish situation avoided!)
Phil: Well, that鈥檚 the perils of not closing down the course, Bob.
Bob: Phil, looks like today鈥檚 portion of the Tour is coming to a close. Let鈥檚 dial up the numbers 鈥� 8.73 miles (about the general length of the road course) in 46:32 (11.1 mph) .. today鈥檚 race had a 549-foot elevation rise.
鈥� That鈥檚 today鈥檚 observations. I鈥檒l save others (like neighbors cutting the grass and walking with the kids) for a future column with some familiar announcers. Perhaps, Steve Mears and Bob Errey might do a voice-over of The Great British Bake Off and Olympic swimming announcers Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines describing the mowing of lawns outside the door.
Jim Downey can be reached at jdowney@heraldstandard.com.