Q & A with Santa Claus
Baby, it鈥檚 cold outside.
Yet, Santa Claus is unfazed by the weatherman鈥檚 warnings and cautions. He鈥檚 like the post office, you know, 鈥淣either snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays Santa and his team from the swift completion of his appointed rounds.鈥�
And, if I鈥檝e learned anything from television, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer is at the ready to lead the way.
(Thank goodness for the suggestion of a Barbara May Lewis, otherwise the savior of Christmas might鈥檝e been named Reginald, Reggy, Roland, or Romeo. All were considered by the man who authored the story, Robert May, but his daughter鈥檚 suggestion fortunately won out.)
The Christmas buying season did have a few pleasant days, though, and on one of those not-so-frigid days I got in a bike ride on the YRT, heading north. I was pedaling away towards Dickerson Run (not Dawson, because as my dad would reminder me, Dawson is on the other side of the river), when a portly fellow pulled alongside, huffing and puffing away.
I gave him the customary head nod and he did the same. The gentleman looked like he had a question so I removed one of my earbuds for a listen.
鈥淓xcuse me, what direction am I heading?鈥澛�
So, as I鈥檝e done a time or two before, I informed the gentleman he was heading north, which is counterintuitive considering most rivers in the world flow from north to south, not south to north as the Youghiogheny, Monongahela and Nile rivers do.
He looked like he could use a break and was still in the mood for a conversation, so we pulled up to one of the benches alongside the trail and had a seat.
The fellow had a familiar look to him, but before I could ask, he said, 鈥淵ou look familiar. Yes, I know. You write for the 缅北禁地, right?鈥�
I apprehensively gave my head a nod, wondering what might come next.
鈥淥h, I read your stories.鈥�
Wow, umm, thanks.
鈥淚 imagine you鈥檝e interviewed all types of athletes over the past quarter century or so. Want to interview me?鈥�
Then, I came to the realization why this gentleman looked familiar 鈥� it was Santa Claus!
鈥淥-o-o-f course!鈥� I stammered as I loosened the arm sleeve containing my work cell so I could record our conversation.聽
JD: How do I address you? What鈥檚 your preference? You know, there鈥檚 Santa Claus and Kris Kringle, and Father Christmas, so many names!
SC: Nick will do just fine. (I noticed he often introduces his statements with a hearty ho-ho-ho, so no need to note that opening response every time.)
JD: So, Nick, what brings you our neck of the woods?
SC: Well, it鈥檚 a two-fold mission. Flying around the world really takes its toll on the reindeer, so I look for land routes, especially in rural areas, to give them a break. Believe it or not, pulling a sleigh overland is a lot easier on the reindeer than flying around. And, since the pandemic, the cost of the special grain that makes them fly has really skyrocketed.
JD: And the second reason?
SC: My wife. A minute ago, you asked how to address me. Well, this is a family newspaper so I won鈥檛 tell you what she calls me. Let鈥檚 just say it鈥檚 not very flattering. I鈥檓 tired of the bowlful of jelly cracks, so, I try to get into some sorta shape in the offseason.
JD: So, what dirt can you dish? Don鈥檛 worry, nobody reads my columns, so whatever you say is in confidence.
SC: Ho-ho-ho-ho (he robustly laughed) I鈥檝e heard that. You won鈥檛 have to rip off Clement Moore鈥檚 rhyming scheme this year (he noted with another hearty laugh). By the way, that鈥檚 a pretty cheesy column mug you use with the Christmas column.
JD: (Hey, wait a second 鈥� I think Santa just took a shot a me.)
JD: Really, what kinda requests do you receive?
SC: Well, there鈥檚 the general requests for toys and electronic/computer games. And, of course, big ticket items like TVs, cellphones and computers. I鈥檓 reluctant with those asking for puppies and kittens. I try to shy away from living things.
JD: How about Mercedes and Lexus?
SC: Ho-ho-ho, you watch too much TV!
SC: I receive a lot of letters from sports fans. Steeler Nation is especially active after Labor Day. Some want a Super Bowl, but, surprisingly, many want the team to fail so they can get high draft picks and run the coaching staff out of town. Funny thing, though, many of those are the same folks who criticize the Steelers for poor draft picks (he said with a shrug of his shoulders).
JD: Interesting.
SC: I also receive letters for sports equipment and apparel. It鈥檚 good to see the items have been used wisely with the young athletes you cover.
JD: You know about them?
SC: Remember, Jim, I see them when they鈥檙e sleeping and when they are awake. And, like I said, I read your stories about Jolena, Hope, Ryan, Mason, and Ella and Ella 鈥� that Lily King is really something 鈥� the Leopards tossing around footballs, Laurel Highlands shooting basketballs, and Frazier smacking volleyballs and softballs around. So many to name, but congratulations to all, especially those who just go out and give it their best every time.
JD: That鈥檚 nice of you to say.
SC: I have a large stack of letters from disappointed Pirates fans, too. Hey, I can only do so much. I鈥檓 into wish fulfillment, not roster rebuilds.
SC: I know Tiger Woods has been one of your favorite whipping boys in the past, but he鈥檚 been a good boy of late, so he鈥檒l be receiving a new driver this year.聽
JD: True.
SC: Mother Nature is a long-time friend, so I鈥檒l see what I can do to give all those skiers, snowboarders and skaters weather conditions to use all that awkwardly-wrapped gear under the tree.
JD: (Even the most ardent winter sports enthusiast has to think Mother Nature went a big overboard this weekend.)
SC: Well, Jim, time to get back on my way. It鈥檚 been nice talking with you. When鈥檚 this going to run?
JD: It鈥檒l hit newsstands Dec. 24th.
SC: That鈥檚 a busy time for me, but I鈥檒l have the Mrs. set it aside before it ends up as bedding and litter for the reindeer.
And, with that, Santa was back in the saddle and on his way.聽
On behalf of Rob Burchianti and myself, the 缅北禁地 sports department wishes all of our athletes and readers a Merry Christmas and a safe, relaxing holiday season.